Don’t worry. We had some silly nonsense last week from a couple of former employees. One I think was the Head of our company sanitorium for a bit, and the other apparently worked in security. They had some crack pot notion that we needed an immediate vote on whether I should stay as CEO. I told them in no uncertain terms that my policy of never knowingly underspent, and never knowingly underborrowed, was going down a storm with our core customers and stakeholders, so there was no need for any vote.
It was gratifying that after a few hours all the Board members agreed and came out in praise of my leadership and our collective strategy. It is true I had to have words with our Finance Director, our Deputy CEO and our Company Secretary, but they soon got the point. None of them want to see Conco take over. They all mainly seemed to want to be more associated with our successful strategy, and were gently arguing over who could be on TV more to explain it all to people. A little friendly rivalry amongst Board members is a sign of life and energy in your company, and is to be expected.
I do want to warn you about a few of the annoucements coming up. Our Finance Director is going to have to say that one day we will borrow less than today. He tells me that the markets who have been so good to us for so long, lending us so much money, are getting a bit jumpy. Apparently if we pretend that we will cut the deficit sometime over the next four years they will calm down. Meanwhile we can carry on with our preferred and correct approach of achieving record borrowing.
Some Directors also do not think it is right that we highlight the class background of our competitors, Conco. It turns out that one or two of our Directors are also from posh schools and rich families, so they are feeling the heat. With the Board elections coming up I have decided to humour them a bit. We have decided to brief out regularly that we are not going to make class an issue in the future decision on who should run UK PLC for the next five years. That will suit everyone, keeping the issue in the limelight whilst allowing us to reassure anyone worried by saying we are not going to make it an issue. I think you will agree that’s a pretty clever way of dealing with this important question.
Whatever we may say, I want to remind you of our core strategy which will stay the same. It is to spend more, to borrow more and to print more than any other management of UK PLC has ever done. We are not just setting records – we are establishing totals that are off the charts. The graphs need bigger paper and log scales to fit in all our borrowings and liabiliites.
We are soon posting the large bonuses to the hard working employees in our banking subsidiary. I am sure they will be relaxed if at the same time we have to make statements about how bankers should not get large bonuses. If we don’t, others might get jealous. We are still working on better bonus packages for administrators, who also deserve it. Owing to the difficulties staff have had getting in in the snow there will be delays in implementing quite a few of our plans, but we should be able to keep the essential supply of new press releases going.
We intend to use all this money to recuit more staff, to increase staff pay rapidly, and to offer more money to our loyal customers through our system of bonus payments or benefits. This is the way to defeat Conco, whatever whatshisname might think. I will not be deflected from my aim.
Yours, secure in my office