I told you Conco were a busted flush. The latest market research shows people are not going for their nonsense that we need to stop spending and borrowing so much. Thank heavens they are so stupid. We can win the Board elections after all.
Enough of these minor matters. As your company’s grand strategist I have my mind on bigger things. I have good news to announce this week.
We are currently having a strategy conference with our Afghanistan subsidiary managers. During this I am going to launch my latest initiative to spend and borrow more. We have come up with the idea of offering cash back or incentive payments to all those Afghans who have been trying to damage our company in recent months.
I think you will agree with me that we can’t go on as we have been doing. Managers have been attacked, and some Afghans seek to undermine our brand. So why not offer them money to be part of our team? That way we can expand our spending and borrowing further, and cement a new bloc of customers to our Afghan operation. Pretty shrewd, don’t you think?
This builds on the success we are having with our never knowingly underbribed approach to key customer groups closer to home. Our ever popular cash back benefit offers now affect around half the population. The huge take-up of these offers led us directly to the idea of simply printing the money, cutting out the middlemen involved in borrowing it. I know we dressed it up as borrowing to buy back borrowing, but it was really printing it.
We will also be having another conference on how to regulate banking operations. As you know, now we own two of the largest banks in our main territory it is all so much more straightforward. We just tell them how much they need to lend to UK PLC and they stump up the cash. It takes the waiting out of wanting, I find. However, there are still unenlightened parts of the world where the main companies have not bought their own banking subsidiaries. We need to be at the table to discuss what to do about this.
I think the best course of action is to design more taxes and regulations for everyone else’s banks. That way we might be able to bring them down to the levels of performance of our own banking subsidiaries, which will make it easier for us in managing our huge conglomerate.
I have heard some people criticise us for having banking subsidiaries that are larger than the rest of the company. I used to think they were wrong, but now I have some sympathy. So I am now putting my thinking cap on to how we can accelerate the size of the non banking bits to catch up. The answer, of course, is to bring more customers in through our cash back benefit offers, and to borrow and print more to finance all our growing activities.
Our message boffins have been working on what we should call this new offer. After our ever popular “Tax a Tory toff today” campaign, they are thinking along the lines of “Treat a terrorist today”. Is it just too much alliteration to put it altogether as “Tax a Tory toff to treat a terrorist today”? That might put the wind up Conco! Let our spin doctors know what you think.
It’s coming on a treat. Yours in clover, welcoming my new Afghan friends,