It’s going brilliantly. Everyone I asked said I was so good the other day when I spoke for your company on television. I told all our shareholders a bit more about me, which is what they all apparently wanted to hear. I had been so busy increasing the borrowings and spending that I had failed to explain just what a lovely family man I am as well. I have always been too self deprecating.
You may have seen that last month when we normally get paid by lots of customers we still managed to spend more than we got in. That’s another crucial milestone in our loan led expansion. I wasn’t sure we could pull that off, so I kept quiet about it in advance. You will also be pleased to see the value of our trading currency going down, which will make it easier to sell abroad, and will mean the sterling loans we have taken out from foreigners get cheaper to repay. If you don’t like the higher prices for all those Chinese goods we buy, just put in for better easy terms which we can organise through our special offers department or through our banking subsidiaries.There’s plenty of money around for eveyone. It just gets better and better.
I am promising a new service of free care for all the elderly, new railway lines to places that would like them, more quango heads, better equipment for our security department workers, and lots of subsidised windmills. I think it’s a great time to promise more and spend more. I love to see the looks on the faces of our killjoy competitors Conco everytime I lift our offer. They keep on asking how we can afford it. They just don’t get it. You borrow it or print it. That takes the waiting out of wanting. They will never get to take over if they remain so reluctant to spend, spend, spend. Now is not the time to damage it when it is all go so swimmingly.
I want to be remembered as the man who spent more than all the others, the one who achieved record spending and borrowing, the one who didn’t want any of you, the shareholders, to want for anything. Never has this company had so many employees on its books before, never has it had so many people receiving its free offers before, and never has it been so large before.
The wonder is that so many previous CEOs did not get on with providing all these goodies. How stupid they were. I can’t see how all those focus groups can be right which suggest we might lose the Board elections. I reckon we will romp home, with so many people for ever grateful that we have been never knowingly underborrowed.
Some board members with faint hearts say we could end up like Greece PLC. I met their CEO this week and I can assure you he can’t give a tv interview like the one I just gave. We are in a different league when it comes to the size of our borrowing and our media performances, so sit back and enjoy the ride.
Yours in the spotlight