Dear EU shareholder and citizen,
I am writing to reassure you that all is going well with our great European project. We have agreed plans to expand our spending for next year, and are busy working on a future budget strategy which will ensure continuous growth in our activities for the decade ahead. I am sure you all agree that after the huge success and popularity of the Common Agricultural and Fisheries policies the peoples of the EU are keen to do more together through our Brussels head office and central staff.
We are especially pleased with the long term progress made with our own currency department, managing the Euro. So popular is this that we have a queue of territories wishing to sign up to enjoy the advantages of it. Even our UK subsidiary, which has been reluctant in the past, has recently signed a document which their local Works Council says confirms the long run intention of all territories to join.
There have been some problems in the press with territories that have borrowed too much in local subsidiaries. I must stress to their CEOs that this is contrary to company policy and we will be taking further measures to control such behaviour in the future. We are currently drawing up a new Stability and Growth Pact to set out limits to each subsidiaries borrowing. We will also be adding better surveillance of all their business policies, and adding penalties for those who do not follow the company’s recommended approach. I am sure all local and regional managements will come to appreciate the need for a common approach, as one subsidiary does not like having its cashflow diverted to pay the bills of another.
We are concerned about our Greek subsidiary. We have issued a stern warning that they must spend less, until they build up their revenue more. It would not be good for the comnpany’s image if they failed to meet all their interest bills and repayments. We are very pleased with the way our Irish subsidiary is undertaking its third round of spending cuts to get its own excess borrowing under control. It is an example to all those subsidiaries with disappointing trading results in recent years.
I am pleased to report that the new management in the Uk subsidiary is settling in very well, and seem to be keen on collaborative working. They have willingly agreed to EU GMB taking more responsibility for their customer discipline policies and legal matters, have agreed to an expansion of the role of our external representation functions, and are enthusiaists for the new borrowing and economic disciplinary framework. This has come as a wonderful surprise. I think it shows the wisdom of our approach to the recruitment of new management. We have allowed the anti company factions full rein to run their own candidates for management who never succeed in winning, to make sure no new management is appointed with full power to take an anti company line. We are hopeful that we can help them reform the whole system, to modernise it to one where it is unlikely ever again that an anti company management could be elected. The new Deputy CEO for the UK is a strong company supporter and is important to our future in this territory.
We have been watching the antics of US Inc who have developed a passion for printing more money as a way out of their trading difficulties. I wish to confirm that this is not our company’s policy. We may of course need to give a wider range of powers and policies to our banking department so they can compete in an increasingly sophisticated world of money and finance, but this is entirely different to the wanton printing of dollars being undertaken by US Inc. Buying in bonds the way we do it will not be inflationary, I can assure you.
Yours sincerely
Chairman
November 10, 2010
The BBC reports that Cameron is going to China promote democracy there today. Could he not perhaps restore some to the UK first where he might actually acheive something.
November 10, 2010
Mr Redwood, you maintain that if UKIP supporters voted Conservative, then Cameron would have had “full power to take an anti company line”. But ecven before the election, Cameron was saying (quietly) that Europe was not a priority for him — which sounds to me like a nice way of saying that he had no intention of actually implementing anything that he’d promised.
That and he kept so incredibly quiet throughout the entire election campaign about Europe, hardly daring even to say the “e” word, never mind remind people about Conservative party policy.
In his defence, he would point to his referendum lock, but that’s so shot through with exceptions, it’s scarcely worth the paper it’s written on. And we won’t actually get that until Cameron’s whipped a vote to reverse the civil war and hand budgetary supervisory powers to the EU.
The LibDems give him a handy excuse, but I have no doubt that, even with a solid working majority, things would have been largely the same.
November 10, 2010
Satire, Mr Redwood? How jolly marvellous. I particularly liked the clever touch of adding the ‘GMBH’ legend.
For the sequel, you should try something based on ‘A Christmas Carol’ featuring (various figures from European history and the current EU-ed) as the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.
Or… you could just get rid of Dave and do us all a favour, leaving the comedy to… have they still not put Spitting Image back on the telly? More’s the pity.
November 10, 2010
Not bad, Mr. R, in fact quite good.
November 10, 2010
This would be rather funny were it not so close to the truth. How about something more uplifting perhaps a sign of hope somewhere or other . Can you see any anywhere?
November 10, 2010
Beautifully put.
November 10, 2010
There was, of course, a total failure to include the fact that the company accounts have just been rejected by the auditors for the sixteenth year in succession! Nor is their any mention of anyone taking appropriate action.
November 10, 2010
“For the third year running EU’s annual accounts have received a clean bill of health from its external auditors. ”
http://europa.eu/rapid/pressReleasesAction.do?reference=IP/10/1480&format=HTML&aged=0&language=EN&guiLanguage=en
November 11, 2010
Not according to yesterday’s Daily Telegraph “For the sixteenth year in a row, the EU budget has been found to be riddled with errors and fraud.” The Daily Mail also said the same, and it even got a very brief mention on the BBC.
Sorry, but I prefer to believe what they say rather than a Brussels based EU news organisation.
November 11, 2010
You may remember that the Daily Mail also reported (in August?) that the UK had been fined £150m for not displaying the EU flag. However, the story was untrue – another EU myth.
May I refer you to the President of the European Court of Auditors speech, two days ago, in which he said: “The Court concludes that the accounts of the European Union give a fair presentation – or true and fair view – of the financial position and the results of operations and cash flows. This is now the third consecutive year that the Court has found the accounts to be free from material misstatements, and hence reliable.” http://eca.europa.eu/portal/pls/portal/docs/1/5970723.PDF
The Auditors’ report can be read at http://eca.europa.eu/portal/pls/portal/docs/1/5926723.PDF On page 11, “In the Court’s opinion, the ‘Annual Accounts of the European Union’ present fairly, in all material respects ( 7 ), the financial position of the Union as of 31 December 2009, and the results of their operations and cash flows for the year then ended, in accordance with the provisions of the Financial Regulation and the accounting rules adopted by the Commission’s accounting officer.”
November 10, 2010
Very amusing, except that a GmbH is a ‘Company with limited Liability’ which seems to be exactly the problem with the EU.
There is apparently no limit to the liabilities which these clowns can rack up on behalf of the taxpaying citizens who did not elect them and cannot get rid of them. Little wonder that Pravda laughed at the EU structure after the Lisbon Treaty was signed, as it exactly parallels that of the USSR:
Politburo = EU Commission,
Supreme Soviet = EU Parliament,
Council of Ministers = Council of Ministers .
Voluntary – or accidental – dictatorship by unelected elites is something new as a political concept. We shall see whether the taxpayers put up with it for much longer, (personal refs removed)
November 10, 2010
I am delighted i did not fall for the ‘Cameron is eurosceptic’ spin and avoided voting Conservative. Delighted too that Cameron narrowly failed to win a majority by less votes that were cast for UKIP. There is no way i would ever consider voting Conservative while cast-iron Cameron is leader.
He may think that under AV euro-sceptics will be dumb enough to put the Conservatives second. Not a chance. In fact it gives the opportunity to vote UKIP first and use the 2nd preference vote for whoever is most likely to unseat Tory EU poodle MPs without the 2nd choice vote being misinterpreted as a vote in favour of EU integration. If Ed Milliband would disown the actions of Blair/Brown on Lisbon the way he did their actions on Iraq then he will get my 2nd preference vote.
November 10, 2010
Mr. Redwood, As lifelogic says it would be funny were it not so close to the truth.
You clearly are as critical as those here on the direction the EU is going both politically and economically but what can we ‘mere mortals’ realistically do about it? This is a genuine question please tell me what I should do about it.
November 10, 2010
What is happening is that unelected European officials are seizing the right to over rule the actions of democratically elected Governments. The further away the decision making is from the action, the greater the possibility becomes that the wrong decisions will be forcefully imposed on whole populations who have ceased to matter.
I recommend readers (to study previoius authoritarian states ed) in order that they can compare the actions of the European Government with the actions of a totalitarian State.
We know, but our politicians seem not to know, that the script for the European project is already written and that the European Government intends to achieve its aims by a process of subterfuge, misssion creep and the gradual erosion of democracy and liberty.
We need our politicians to draw a line in the sand and stick to it, because this is the only potentially successful approach to an enemy who seeks to achieve his aim by creeping subterfuge.
Read about (past totalitarian regimes ed) and then see the present antics of the European Government through the eyes of a future historian; a historian cataloguing the process by which the European people lost their freedom and allowed the self selected and unelected European politicians to tie them in chains.
So far; there is every sign that our Government will continue to betray us and facilitate our downhill plunge towards the serfdom of a European political “elite”.
November 10, 2010
Streuth! For a minute I thought that was genuine! I wouldn’t put it past our Colleagues to publish something like this and to think it perfectly reasonable.
November 10, 2010
“We are hopeful that we can help them reform the whole system, to modernise it to one where it is unlikely ever again that an anti company management could be elected.”
But when was the last time an anti company management was elected, and what is the level of risk that it could happen again even if attempts to modernise the system fail?
Since the war, there have only been three periods when the management was not pro company.
Roughly speaking:
1945 – 1951 – anti company
1951 – 1960 – ambivalent
1988 – 1990 – ambivalent
So it’s been nearly six decades since there was a clearly anti company management for this territory, and the faction responsible for that initial problem was brought fully into line over two decades ago; therefore it seems rather unlikely that another anti company management will ever again be elected there, whether or not the system is modernised.
It’s queer to think back to the 1975 referendum, when my parents said they were going to vote “no” on the primitive argument that “They’ll take us over”. Of course I knew better, and voted “yes”.
Still, the future is unpredictable, companies like EU GMBH have suddenly collapsed even though to the outside eye their position had seemed secure, and we must in any case continue to bear witness to the process of national betrayal.
November 10, 2010
Whatever makes people think that if, by chance,a referendum was held and resulted in a total defeat for the europhiles, that Cameron and Hague would accept the result ?
November 10, 2010
P.S. Much as we appreciate the success of our UK subsidiary in sending their best people representatives and government appointees to us last year, to join in this collective undertaking of mutual “economic governance”,- so much better than the institutional wrangling witnessed in the past -, we’re still concerned about the continued use of toy money which has clearly devalued our much beloved UK subsidiary as a whole, in spite of few green shoots of regained competitiveness. We therefore trust that joining the euro will become a new strategic objective in the UK.
Yours sincerely,
Chairman
November 10, 2010
I agree with “lifelogic” that though your satire is sharp and absolutely spot on, the situation is very serious. Once our sovereignty is given away, we are finished completely as a nation. As an independent country. Who wants to be an outpost of a totally undemocratic country? We might as well go to live in China.
November 10, 2010
Your satire is brilliant and the reaction reveals that the best British minds are watching this site. The only hope we have as a nation is to set up a new political party- the English Bitter Party- as suggested in your last letter. We have to get rid of these career politicians, who understand very little and do as the Yanks have, with their Tea Party. – though, hopefully with someone in charge who understands geopolitics a bit better than Mrs Palin.
November 10, 2010
A wonderful holiday reading boost thanks John!
Para 5 hits the spot with precision.
News of the new mini alliance within the party is greatly welcomed and you’ll get much support.
Here on the Red Sea we’ve had long discussions into the night with disgrunled EU particiapants from several member states and will report back.
Hopefully we can help turn the Red Sea Blue – and we don’t mean Camco’s shade of insipid turquoise!
Any chance of getting Rory Bremner and his team of satirists on the case? 2 programs devoted to EU madnesss with the chairman of EU GMBH making guest appearances in both would add impetus. We really believe that you and we can make Cameron, Hague & Co live up to their true obligations to the British people.
November 10, 2010
PS
We can assure our subjects – or rather – our citizens that we will endeavour to seek out an auditor that will sign our accounts without qualification
November 10, 2010
Trouble is we give them an inch, then another inch then another; before we know it they take a kilometre
November 10, 2010
The letter describes the present situation perfectly. The question remains – what will happen to the management in that quirky subsidiary, the UK?
It is now clear that Cameron both needs and wants his coalition with Clegg. The same goes for Clegg vis a vis Cameron. The spoils of office are seductive, even irresistable to them both. No doubt they see it as a recipe for power for several years ahead. But for how long will their parties continue to support them before there is a significant fragmentation from the coalition line?
No doubt the EU ambassador, sorry board rep, in his bullet proof car, is watching closely.
November 10, 2010
Friend just sent me an email
He is filling in his dole form
Question on form “reason for decline of your business”
His answer “Thousands of Indian nationals in the country on ICT visas working for the outsourcers”
Really democracy is breaking down in this country, the government promising everyone at the election to cap workers from out outside of Europe and they’re even bragging that they’ve done it when we can all see its nonsense
November 10, 2010
I quote
“Political parties, too, almost always have the original purpose of attaining exclusive despotic domination; a slight impulse toward a philosophy is almost always inherent in them. Yet the very narrowness of their program robs them of the heroism which a philosophy demands. The conciliatory nature of their will attracts small and weakly spirits with which no crusades can be fought. And so, for the most part, they soon bog down in their own pitiful pettiness: They abandon the struggle for a philosophy and attempt instead, by so-called ‘positive collaboration,’ to conquer as quickly as possible a little place at the feeding trough of existing institutions and to keep it as long as possible. That is their entire endeavor. And if they should be pushed away from the general feeding crib by a somewhat brutal competing boarder, their thoughts and actions are directed solely, whether by force or trickery, toward pushing their way back to the front of the hungry herd and finally, even at the cost of their holy conviction, toward refreshing themselves at the beloved swill pail. Jackals of politics!”
A.H
November 10, 2010
How can you write something like that and remain in Cameron’s Conservative party?
November 10, 2010
Liked the concept of the UK works council!
Does does this mean that Conservative Euro-Sceptics are a sort pseudo left wing extreme element on the works council?
November 10, 2010
Ve haf vays of making you toe ze line , ja , oui , yes ???
Wiz loff ,
Nicholas , Angela and new boy David .
November 11, 2010
Since WWII we have had the expansion of the welfare state and increasing layers of employment laws both of which have led to a distorted labour market leading to the worst both worlds: unemployment AND skills shortages. I wish you well.
However I believe that ‘natural’ networks such as electricity generation and distribution should be state-run as they would be more efficient (but only if we could repeal the laws that protect strikers).
Whatever, it is so good to see a politician standing up for the people of the UK!
November 13, 2010
Entertaining, but tragic. How did a democratic, Independent, global power allow itself to get into the situation where it is a province of an undemocratic oligarchy made up primarily of foreigners.
I am an ex-Conservative and now a UKIP activist. I will never accept that the UK is an off-shore province of the EU. Cameron has betrayed the British people; I am so glad, for my own peace of mind, that I saw through him before the election and not afterwards.