MORE REGULATORY NOTICES!

I did not realise how much you have all come to rely on regulatory notices warning you of risks in your lives that our kind quangoland and government now issues for us. It has been heartening to read your palpable sense of relief and enjoyment when I put some on the bottom of my texts for your protection.
As I have been asked for some more, here are some general ones today which you could use for future stories that might otherwise alarm.

REGULATORY NOTICES

LIVING IN THE UK CAN DAMAGE YOUR WEALTH
DRINKING WINE IN PRIVATE AT HOME WITH YOUR FAMILY IS A MIDDLE CLASS ACTIVITY WHICH MAY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH
TRYING TO ARREST A BURGLAR SHOWS YOU LACK SYMPATHY FOR THE FINANCIALLY AND MORALLY DEPRIVED AND MAY BE A CRIMINAL OFFENCE
STERLING MAY GO DOWN A LOT AS WELL AS GO DOWN
THE GOVERNMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO PAY YOUR PENSION AND ANY DEBT REPAYMENTS IN DEVALUED POUNDS
JUST BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT BUYS BANKS SHARES DOES NOT NECESSARILY IMPLY THEY THINK THEY ARE CHEAP
MINISTERS NEED AIR FLIGHTS AND OFFICIAL CARS TO HELP THEM GET OVER THE IMPORTANT MESSAGE THAT FLYING AND DRIVING CAN DAMAGE THE PLANET
JOB SECURITY CAN ONLY APPLY TO THE PUBLIC SECTOR
PLEASE ENJOY THE CURRENT GOVERNMENT SHOW AS YOU WILL BE PAYING FOR IT LATER
A

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21 Comments

  1. AndyC
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    Hi, polite observation… enough of these regulatory notices. They make you look a little unhinged, like the sort who write comments to the Telegraph website, ALL IN CAPS. You make your points eloquently enough to do without them! :o)

  2. Stuart Fairney
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 8:50 am | Permalink

    You may have omitted

    Don’t exceed 70mph on completely empty motorways in good conditions in a modern car that can safely do so without the possibility of hectoring pointless lectures from police and punitive fines and points

    Don’t overfill your rubbish bin and not expect to be spied upon and actually prosecuted by our staasi-like council officials, or perhaps worst of all

    Don’t expect us to maintain equivalent contributions ot the private sector second state pension we encouraged you to contract out of some years ago. We are finding that jolly inconvenient to actually use your tax monies to fund the pension we promise and would rather simply NOT DO SO at all. Don’t worry you can now rely on our empty, non-enforceable, unfunded promises (sorry, last one a personal rant).

  3. Dennis
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    It can all be summed up by a single noticeboard, set on a pole in some open space, and bearing the sole legend:

    IT IS FORBIDDEN TO THROW STONES AT THIS NOTICE

  4. DiscoveredJoys
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 9:44 am | Permalink

    You missed out:

    “We value your support, and sell it to the highest bidder”

  5. Lola
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 10:13 am | Permalink

    Sounds like something from a Douglas Adams novel.

  6. Obnoxio The Clown
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 12:03 pm | Permalink

    John, keep up the regulatory notices! They’re very good, very apt and very funny!

  7. no one
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 2:16 pm | Permalink

    mandy is going to give bank of england money to car companies to be used for loans to consumers to buy more cars?

    is this really what im paying my taxes for? to help the bad credit risk folk buy cars?

    is this really a democracy? where was my vote on this?

  8. figurewizard
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 2:27 pm | Permalink

    Labour Government sell by date – As soon as possible.

  9. Bill
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

    Pretend to pass yourself off as the Prime Minister by (In a Scottish accent) talking gibberish all the time but occasionally stopping to say lucidly “Started in America”, “Do the right thing”, “I intend to get on with the job”, “Do nothing Tories” for best results chew your fingernails first.
    It really works I got mistaken for Gordon Brown.

    Latest Advice from the “Drug Rehabilitation Quango” If you invite drug addicts to your home on Boxing Day be sure not to ask them if they want cold turkey this could cause them distress and offence.

    Okay I will stop the jokes now, but they’re not too wide of the mark really.

  10. Curly
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    I concur with OBO, but please no more SHOUTING.

  11. mikestallard
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

    My favourite one comes from Australia:
    DANGER THE SIDES OF THIS NOTICE ARE SHARP. YOU MAY CUT YOURSELF.

  12. an ex-apprentice
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 5:58 pm | Permalink

    I can’t decide whether this is a welcome occasional touch of humour or, after 11 years of Labour, you have finally been stricken down by the screaming heeby-jeebies.
    If the latter, I fear you are going to have a lot of company over the next 15 months!

  13. Matthew Reynolds
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 6:32 pm | Permalink

    This posting just exposes the sheer insanity of The Guardian reading brigade – if ever there was a mob divorced from reality then it is them ! Just think they have people with that sort of common-sense deficiency running our children’s schools via LEA’s
    . No wonder fewer children can read , write or do sums.

    These regulatory notices make the case for deregulation – lets have fewer batty rules , fewer pen-pushers and thus a better Britain. No more client state – lets just pay less tax instead!

  14. Raedwald
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 6:59 pm | Permalink

    I too like the regulatory notices – not at all deranged and demonstrative of both wit and humour. But perhaps not in caps; perhaps in a slightly smaller lc font size, as the comments are, and as such notices are in real life.

    Terms and conditions apply. Your country may be at risk if you fail to collect more in tax than you spend.

  15. Man in a Shed
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 8:24 pm | Permalink

    Great.

  16. Adrian Peirson
    Posted January 26, 2009 at 8:28 pm | Permalink

    Someone stole my Rubbish Bin, I asked the council for another, they said certainly that will be £28.00.

    I said No thanks I’ll use a rubbish bag, they said I can’t I must have an approved bin.

    They have replaced it but have sent me a Bill.

    I wont be paying the bill.

    It is illegal for me to support Westminster as I have pointed out in my Blog.

    http://adrianpeirson.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!CB609AA4E892F479!138.entry

    Ps Does or HIPs this have anything to do with the International Property Maintenence Order Code.

    http://www.iccsafe.org/cs/codes/2007-08cycle/ROH/IPMC.pdf

  17. some bloke
    Posted January 27, 2009 at 12:09 am | Permalink

    “WARNING, IMPORTANT NOTICE AHEAD”

    Yup, this is real it’s on an A road near me.

  18. SallyC
    Posted January 27, 2009 at 12:44 am | Permalink

    I heard you on 5Live today Mr R.
    You were very clear and very patient. Is that woman a bit dim or does she think we are?

  19. StevenL
    Posted January 27, 2009 at 4:53 am | Permalink

    REGULAR SAVING MAY REDUCE YOUR FUTURE ENTITLEMENT TO STATE HANDOUTS.

    EATING MEAT IS PROVEN TO INCREASE CARBON EMISSIONS, PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR MEAT IN THIS HOSPITAL AS REFUSAL OFTEN OFFENDS.

    DRIVING TO WORK IS BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AND MAY LEAD TO SUDDEN INCREASES IN TAXATION.

    NOTHING THE PRIME MINISTER ADVISES YOU TO DO REGARDING YOUR PERSONAL FINANCES SHOULD BE CONSTRUED AS FINANCIAL ADVICE. IF YOU FOLLOW HIS ADVICE YOU MAY LOSE ALL OF YOUR MONEY AND BE BANKRUPT.

    http://tinyurl.com/aokq35

  20. number 6
    Posted January 27, 2009 at 10:12 am | Permalink

    The best one ever – observed by none other than the late great Spike Milligan. A council jobsworth, nowdays would have to be an ‘elf n’ saferty person, wading out to a collapsed jetty to place a sign saying ‘This jetty is out of order’ in the water.

  21. adam
    Posted January 27, 2009 at 1:35 pm | Permalink

    Al Gore still flies in his private jet, owns multiple properties and wont take his own ethical leaders pledge.

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    John Redwood won a free place at Kent College, Canterbury, and graduated from Magdalen College Oxford. He is a Distinguished fellow of All Souls, Oxford. A businessman by background, he has set up an investment management business, was both executive and non executive chairman of a quoted industrial PLC, and chaired a manufacturing company with factories in Birmingham, Chicago, India and China. He is the MP for Wokingham, first elected in 1987.

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