An important communication from the CEO of UK PLC

Dear Shareholder,

I told you so. I always knew the Conco offer to cut the deficit and stop borrowing and printing so much would not take off. The latest news of the polling for the Board elections is wonderful for your Board and for Uk PLC.

We have been thinking about how we can reinforce our offer and consolidate our position in the marketplace. Some favour introducing a GOF GAF. It’s a bit like a BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free) only more generous – Get One Free, Get Another Free. Why bother wasting time and money collecting cash from people for the first one, when we could simply give away two for the price of none? It should be knock out popular.

Others say let’s just helicopter in some cash and drop it over the most deserving parts of the country which will be participating sensibly in the UK wide Board elections. It would show off our never knowingly underborrowed, never knowingly underspent strategy so well. That should have them waving all the way to the state owned bank. It will get things moving again.

I think I prefer the third idea we have been working up. These first two ideas are a bit too flashy and could give us a bad name. We will simply announce lots of extra UK PLC jobs, of interest to supporters of our general approach. We need some more Networkers, Co-ordinators, Cross cutting policy Specialists, Deputy chief Executives of departments and quangos, Senior and Junior Spin doctors, Media handling specialists, Message honers, Press release and Glossy brochure authors, web monitors and web interveners. Come to think of it, I could do with a few more people to help liven up these letters to Shareholders whilst I am about it. Meanwhile let’s have a national competition for a new slogan. Send in your ideas beginning “UK PLC is right to borrow more because…..”

Rest assured, one way or another, we will go to new records on spending and borrowing. We will see you through tough times. We will print what it takes. We will never be underspent.

Yours enjoying every minute of all this money

CEO

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23 Comments

  1. THE ESSEX BOYS
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 7:27 am | Permalink

    6 PROMISES FOR THE CONSERVATIVE MANIFESTO THAT WILL GIVE A SOUND WORKING MAJORITY

    We blogged here yesterday with our disappointed reactions after attending the Brighton Spring Conference.

    Our fear – not only for the Conservatives but for Britain’s future well-being – is that the likely Tory manifesto will be a damp squib. It must be strengthened and delivered in direct language that the man and woman-in-the-street will readily understand and support. The economic outlook is dire and getting worse by the day. Time is running out.

    Our close colleagues at ESSEX VOTERS VOICE have researched many topics face to face with hundreds of voters in the past 18 months. We have written here and informed Conservative HQ and MPs to no avail so far. The following confident proposals are made with the benefit of dozens of group discussions with regular voters and non- or would-be voters of different political persuasions.

    1. UK INCOME & COSTS WILL BE BALANCED WITHIN 5 YEARS.

    2. WASTED GOVERNMENT COSTS WILL BE HALVED WITHIN 3 YEARS

    3. IMMIGRATION WILL BE REDUCED BY 75% FOR EACH OF THE NEXT 5 YEARS

    4. A REFERENDUM ON CONTINUED UK MEMBERSHIP OF THE EU WILL BE HELD AT THE START OF A 2nd TERM CONSERVATIVE TERM

    5. ALL STATE SCHOOLS WILL BE MODELLED ON SUCCESSFUL INDEPENDENT AND GRAMMAR SCHOOLS.
    NEW GRAMMAR AND TECHNICAL SCHOOLS WILL BE OPENED IN
    AREAS WHERE THE PUBLIC WANTS THEM.

    6. NATIONAL COMMUNITY SERVICE – ORGANISED COUNTY BY COUNTY – WILL BE INTRODUCED FOR JOBSEEKERS OF ALL AGES
    TO GIVE EVERYBODY THE RIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK WITHOUT STATE BENEFITS.

    Notes on these 6 MANIFESTO GUARANTEES:

    1. The Shadow Treasury team must stop shadow boxing and say that whatever the Treasury’s books reveal the core promise stands. There must be a FREEZE of ALL public expenditure for the next 2 years irrespective of inflation.

    2. We must promise a 30% reduction in the number of MPs from approx 650 to approx 450 by the next General Election as well as a 50% cut in Quango costs within 3 years.

    3. Net migration will be held at 50,000 for 5 years until Britain can again absorb more immigrants. Genuine asylum seeking emergencies will be treated as additional.

    4. The new Conservative government will negotiate to the best of its ability the return sovereignty and a reduction in wasted contributions to the EU. In the following general election manifesto they will recommend a yes or no vote based on the success of the negotiations.

    5. The ethos and discipline already sensibly and strongly promised by Michael Gove will be taken further in a return to the successful education structure of the post-war era. Local referendums will be the basis for deciding when and where to create new Grammar and Technical schools.

    6. County Service will provide training and ongoing jobs in military, environmental and care services. Unemployment benefits will be replaced by salaries at a slightly higher level with defined promotional opportunities. Retrenched and redeployed public servants will be given administrative posts or employment in the new organisation.
    A 1-year pilot operation will be followed by national implementation within 3 years.

    The Manifesto will be introduced in simple, direct and voter-friendly language on Day 1 of the calling of the General Election. To reinforce the message of national urgency the summer Parliamentary recess will be reduced to 2 weeks only.

    • Mike Stallard
      Posted March 2, 2010 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

      Mr Hague, Michael Howard and IDS all tried this right wing approach. The terribly sad thing is that the Socialist Public – on the Celtic fringes, yes, but also in the North, just don't want it.
      Like the Labour before Tony "You can trust me" Blair, there are just two choices for any political party in today's Britain…..

      • APL
        Posted March 3, 2010 at 12:59 am | Permalink

        Mike Stallard: "Mr Hague, Michael Howard and IDS all tried this right wing approach."

        And they had the benefit of Ken Clarke and his cronies sniping and undermining their efforts to put forward coherent policies.

        For the first year or so of the New Labour administration Ken Clarke and Hestletine were proudly sitting in Tony's 'big tent'.

        One thing you can't say for the Right wingers in the Tory Party, so far as I can see, they are Tories not Socialists and they are Loyal to the conservatism.

        Your enemy outside your gate is a clear target, its those inside your camp you need to keep a very close eye on!

        • APL
          Posted March 3, 2010 at 8:59 am | Permalink

          One probably ought not post after a couple of glasses of excellent French brandy and a rather fine cigar. The cigar cost £2.50 duty free, if I had bought it on the high street it would be £10.00. That seems like 7.50 straight to the government, in proportion to the cost of the item itself, that is an outrage.

          But yes, I am still bitter at the behavior of the 'left' in the Tory party, much of the current condition of the party has its root in their scurrilous behavior.

  2. Jonathan
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 7:47 am | Permalink

    UK PLC is right to borrow more because we're worth it.

    It's unfortunate that so many people are dependant on the state and so few people understand basic economics; because of this Labour are able to talk their game up.

  3. eeyore
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    Can he really just keep on printing, Mr Redwood, or do the brute realities of index-linked bonds and pensions put a limit to his debauchery? If so, how far off is that limit?

  4. alan jutson
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    UK PLC is right to borrow more, BACAUSE POUNDS BUY VOTES.

    Think you have missed a trick CEO, why not currency printed wallpaper.

    We could have all Government establishment walls papered in this style to encourage staff to think big, and keep on message at the same time.

    Another idea, we could pass a law (another law) so that all telephone numbers start with a £. then people start getting used to large numbers, perhaps a new help line, "Dial a Debt" for those not used to borrowing.

    After all desperate times call for desperate methods, and we sure are in a desperate race to keep in power, at almost any cost (to someone else)

  5. Simon D
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    UK Plc is right to borrow more because it will ensure the Board's re-election. The Board is about to reveal that its research department has discovered a secret elixir – a magic potion that enables the Board to buck the markets. The Board's PR Department will fully explain how this works over the next few weeks.

    The Board has already gone down in history for its achievements in ending boom and bust. Following that, it saved the world during the credit crisis and can now can give shareholders everything needed for their welfare by printing money (sorry! quantitative easing). This will have no effect on the market for sterling and mean that shareholders can enjoy gain without any pain and with no unpleasant unintended consequences.

    The Board therefore advises all its shareholders to sell their holdings in foreign currency, euros and gold and make sure they have all their investments in sterling. It will be the key to the achievement of great wealth and prosperity.

    The Board hopes that, at the next EGM, the shareholders will vote to express their grateful thanks for the Board's monumental achievements in discovering how to alter the laws of the market place for the national benefit.

  6. waramess
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    A great loss to the British people was when the Conservatives elected Cameron as leader.

    Too bloody smart by half and his election strategy of not having any serious policies and avoiding discussion of Labour policies is about to backfire badly leaving us with another four years of Brown.

    Your message from the CEO might be funny if it were not so poignant.

    Our great leader tells us he has saved us from recession; that we are nearly back where we started, all but a trillion pounds more debt and rising

    We are not back where we started and we are now likely to continue the slide into recession but this time loaded down by massive debts. And yet he wants to continue spending.

    What will the "aspiring" Chairman do? Cut debt. What else? Cut corporation tax by a smidgin maybe.

    None of this is looking very good and it is we, the electorate who have to pick up the bill.

    There is a distinct lack of robustness in the opposition policies and continuing to behave like the opposition will likely consign them to that role for another four years.

    Right now the Conservatives should be behaving as if they were government and setting out a comprehensive new direction for the country which they are not.

    Cameron is already looking like a spent force; already desperately appealing to the electorate to elect him for the good of the country and for fear that they will get another four years of Brown, and the date for the election has not even yet been set.

    So, it appears we are left with the choice of voting for a rudderless ship or one heading for the waterfall.

    Maybe you could be the spark of change by writing a piece from an aspiring Chairman seeking to take over a failing company and put it to right rather than from the incumbent Chairman highlighting his faults.

  7. Norman
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    Dear CEO,

    A good idea to start giving away money, with ownership of the printing presses who wouldn't want to help all shareholders before the upcoming board elections? Surely there is no downside to such a policy.

    As for the slogan, we need to continue to drive our message home as there are still some reactionaries who cling to the old ways of saving and earning – even the Chinese are now blinded by this false doctrine! That spending and borrowing is good must be reinforced into the mind of every shareholder, otherwise how else will they know what a wonderful job the current board is doing?

    My suggestion is a modern take on an old British favourite, one our forebears lived by but is now an anachronism in our modern age:

    UK PLC is right to borrow more because a penny borrowed is a penny spent.

  8. gac
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    Dear shareholder,

    I have been reminded that I did not promise to increase the number of equality operatives and diversity specialists for which I would apologise except as usual it is those incompetents in my No. 10 office who are responsible. Which reminds me that I intend increasing the number of incompetents there also.

    Also an update on our Nom Dom strategy which thanks to our friends in the media (hallowed be their name) has put the airbrushed leader of conco in serious difficulty whilst maintaining the Nom Dom status of our Company's bankers undisturbed.

    It is all coming together nicely.

  9. Brian Tomkinson
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 11:24 am | Permalink

    Dear CEO

    You really are a one. First you are seen close to tears on TV and then we read about you yelling profanities, kicking and throwing things and being generally beastly to your staff. As you say the result in the polls has been wonderful news for you and your Board. Don't you think that Conco has helped by being less well able to express their plans than you? Your competition for a new slogan is an intriguing idea. I haven't had much time to think about it but how about “UK PLC is right to borrow more because then we can carry on spending and wasting money without worry". Incidentally, don’t you think that ‘borrow and spend’ has a better ring to it than ‘tax and spend‘?
    By the way, I expect you will be going to see the new film version of 'Alice in Wonderland'. It will make a little light relief from your other favourites ‘Animal Farm’ and ‘1984’. You never know one day they might write a book and make a film about ‘Gordon's adventures in Financial Fantasyland’. Perhaps we will wake up one day and find it was just all a bad dream – if only!

    Yours in trepidation and forever in your debt

    A Neglected Shareholder

  10. Stronghold Barricade
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    What appears to be the most baffling is that despite having more than the requisite funding available the bid from Conco appears to be withering away although obviously the closing date on the offer has not yet been reached.

    The Liebourgraph seems to have a very strange love-hate with the Conco bid, and doesn't seem to rate it, whilst occasionally it does have a go at the incumbants incompetancy
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/cha

    Why aren't the directors of the Conco bid putting out a coherent message?

    Do they fear what will "come after"? After they have tightened up party funding and bankrupted the Labour Party by denying it the Union money? Having to re-educate the unionists to become lobbyists of all the political representatives rather than their current discriminatory practices?

  11. Bill
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

    UK PLC is right to borrow more because
    We are a creative country – loose 1500 jobs on Teesside – no worries.
    Make 1500 as doggy owner examiners – clipboards supplied and index linked pensions supplied.

    Let the Chinese and Indians produce specialist steels and alloys. We can be proud to be at the paw front of doggy matriculation.
    Now the Tories will say that I’m barking up the wrong tree.

    • Stuart Fairney
      Posted March 2, 2010 at 6:18 pm | Permalink

      If I may quote the increasingly prescient Ayn Rand

      "The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws"

  12. gac
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 12:53 pm | Permalink

    UK PLC is right to borrow more because it is prudent, it is the fairer debt for all, and I can't stop spending.

  13. A Griffin
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 5:07 pm | Permalink

    The zombie government has created the zombie banks which support the zombie negative equity households. The zombie bank of England prints the zombie money to support the zombie economy. The savers are paying. Those that have lost their jobs are paying. The private sector is paying. The public sector will soon be paying. The tax payers will be paying. The unborn and the dead will be paying.The lifeblood is being sucked out of us, but Mr Brown keeps on going .
    Perhaps it's time to move the agenda on from beastly cuts and to try to offer some hope? Is it time to educate the public about the Laffer curve? Could the Conservatives promise jobs? I don't like the way the Labour 'do nothing' has stuck. Start promising the earth because it works for Labour, so why not us? Instead of Labour's endless public spending on debt why not promise endless free money created from the private sector with huge tax reductions!

  14. Mike Stallard
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 5:26 pm | Permalink

    How refreshing to see that the CEO is taking another look at Labour as instructed by our Great Helmsman. I just wish that everyone in this country would follow his fine example!

  15. Quetzalcoatl
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 5:43 pm | Permalink

    Fellow Citizens

    All the time we spend debating politics is time we could be spending setting up a new economy based on industrial hemp to provide local fuel, jobs, food, raw materials for a productive economy that enables energy independence and export driven growth.

    When will we realise that our problem is over reliance on crude oil and its associated infrastructure. All we can do now is initiate immediate austerity measures and get the unemployed or the young to build a new biofuel industry. It really is a question of whether Britain continues or collapses into oblivion, which will it be? If industrial hemp is promoted from tomorrow, we have made the first step to recovery.

    Yes, we have gone too far into debt, and need to stop digging deeper, but the solution is available anytime we decide to grow up and act like adults.

    Nature dictates to us, we either get in line or be brought in line

  16. Quetzalcoatl
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 6:02 pm | Permalink

    Additionally, I work for a government sponsored educational institution, and have been researching energy saving initiatives. My place of work could save over 5 million pounds a year just by switching facilities off at night and the weekends, but will it happen soon? probably not. Then the next thing will be layoffs due to lack of budget. Completely avoidable yet the insanity continues, where is the strategic planning?

    The real problem IMO, is a reactive, complacent culture that has developed over decades, not just in the past ten years. I have worked since graduation in 2001 and had to fight for everything within corporations that are anything but efficient, avoid being caught in the housing trap, and now find out that our economic system is dependent on imported oil which we have no alternatives to use instead. That is the despairing thing, there is no apparent leadership that is 100% concerned with the long term well being of this country. It is all about the next four years.

    I think that if something is not done to drastically change our course, i think international finance will drop this country like a bad habit, then its over. We need a new revenue stream that will return this country to profit.

    The first step has to be an official statement that new, productive, income generating industries will be initiated immediately, namely biofuels to solve our import dependency, and biomass for heating homes and electricity generation.

    And for skeptics that shout down alternatives to fossil fuels, The current government knows all about hemp and what it can do. Take a look at the united states history with hemp to see what has really happened to any competitiors to crude oil. It can be done in the UK. we have 60m acres of land, you can produce 1000 gallons of biofuel per acre. multiply 20m by 1000 then divide by 30 (gallons in a barrel of oil) and we have around double our annual usage of crude oil. Biofuels are uneconomical at present because not enough people are making it. There are plenty of people looking for work, let them build a new economy that benefits us all.

  17. Johnny Williams
    Posted March 2, 2010 at 8:44 pm | Permalink

    Within the Labour built Client State are about 6 million workers who depend on Public Sector pay and salaries. They know that cuts and reduction in our UK total borrowings might cost them their job, their mortgage and their marriages/partnerships.

    The cynical truth known well by Brown and 10 Downing street is that when people are wataching a train crash, they sit still or ignore it or try to get to the back.

    Brown has not hit these people, they have jobs today and lower mortgage payments than a year ago. Runs on sterling do not affect their daily lives as of "Right Now"

    Until the Conservatives bring the reality of a crash of sterling or lack of investor interest in gilts to the Public, the Labout Government have a real chane of quietly staying in power. WHAT a mess they can creat with another five years..

  18. S Whitfield
    Posted March 3, 2010 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    It was the Conservative's that pledged to match Labour spending levels so there criticism of 'not fixing the roof while the sun shines' sounds rather hollow. Without the core belief that individuals can spend their own money more wisely than the state the Conservatives are nothing. But Dave just threw this away.
    I think that's why they are so ineffective at attacking Labour's terrible record on the economy – they would have broadly done the same things.

    If John Redwood had been made chancellor rather than the lightweight George Osbourne it could all have been different but that wouldn't have fitted in with Camerons image obsessed style.
    The trouble with the clique at the top is they try to appeal to everyone and please nobody…..largely at the expense of alienating loyal Conservative voters to appease core Labour voters that will NEVER vote Conservative. What a mess.

  19. ManicBeancounter
    Posted March 3, 2010 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    Dear CEO,

    I can only marvel at your at your ingenuity at creating so many job titles. However, I believe there may be a shortage of suitable candidates due to a lack of necessary qualifications. There are considerable training and re-educational opportunities here to get the requesite linguistic and evasiveness skills. Without them I fear that some productive outcomes may emerge, which could be damaging to creating a true dependancy on your greatness. As a first step, maybe we should in schools replace assemblies with some of your past speeches, so that true understanding of what it takes to save the world can perculate through.

    May I also myself forward for another teaching role. Deficits will not rise if we have eager people jumping up and trying to save money or make the state more efficient & effective. I am one of the most qualified in the country to be Czar of the Procrastination and Indecisiveness Scholarship Trust, to which your CEOship could be an inspiring patron.

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    John Redwood won a free place at Kent College, Canterbury, and graduated from Magdalen College Oxford. He is a Distinguished fellow of All Souls, Oxford. A businessman by background, he has set up an investment management business, was both executive and non executive chairman of a quoted industrial PLC, and chaired a manufacturing company with factories in Birmingham, Chicago, India and China. He is the MP for Wokingham, first elected in 1987.

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