Letter from the CEO of UK PLC

Dear Shareholder,

I have been a bit busy preparing for the Board elections. I did run rings round our competitor Conco by keeping them waiting before letting everyone know when the polls are going to be. When I heard that Conco’s CEO was planning to fly everywhere I came up with the great idea of telling everyone there was some ash flying around which meant all planes had to be grounded. They all bought the idea, even though there was nothing to see or smell as you gazed skywards. What a move! It had the added advantage of keeping more people in the country so they could watch me last night when I won the debate against those who want to take over UK PLC. (No – that’s just my little joke – it was a real problem which we tackled manfully as you would expect us to. )

In case you hadn’t noticed, I just wanted to point out that I have been following a poison pill defence against predators for our great company in the last couple of years. That’s one of the reasons we have been signing up so many future costs and liabilities,why we bought the bank shares and why we decided to go for broke on the borrowings. Now I’ve got the printing presses fixed, it’s all fine of course. If we by any chance win the Board elections we can just dust them down again and print our way out of trouble.

Did you see me last night? It was a great show, don’t you think? How could anyone want a different CEO. I have got better at smiling, as well as knowing how to spend, borrow and waste on an unprecedented scale.

You must realise that Conco wouldn’t have as many of you on the payroll or be as understanding as we are when you need a duvet day or three. It’s a breeze when it’s all on tick. Can’t see why you would want to stop it. We can always invite more employees in to help do what work does have to be done.

Those who say we will end up like Greece don’t get it. They don’t have their own printing presses any more, now they are in the Euro. I am so glad I kept our previous CEO away from joining up, as it would be sackcloth and ashes for us too now if we had. Instead it’s just ashes in the clouds for us , which keeps the competitors on the ground.

Come to think of it, I can’t see how we can lose. So spend and be merry – there’s only a few more days to go before your Board gets what they want. Then they might not be in such a good mood over spending.

Yours

the CEO

Promoted by Christine Hill on behalf of John Redwood, both of 30 Rose Street Wokingham RG40 1XU

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14 Comments

  1. gregory wilkinson-ri
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    Will someone PLEASE explain to David Cameron that Gordon Brown's statement "If we do not raise NI by 6 billion and spend it the economy will stall" is totally fallacious. So Cameron can explain to the populace that if the 6 billion is not taxed and spent by G Brown it does NOT disappear in a puff of smoke.

    Rather, it will still be spent, but by individuals and businesses. Thus, whether the government spend it, or whether the individuals spend it, the 6 billion will still be spent and will still create demand in the economy.

    Thus, the next time that Brown tries this on, the fake nature of his "alternative" can be exposed.

    • Mike Wilson
      Posted April 16, 2010 at 11:56 am | Permalink

      Yes, but why isn't he picking him up on it?

      Brown made that same statement again last night – that Cameron proposed to 'CUT TAXES AND TAKE MONEY OUT OF THE ECONOMY'.

      This is so Orwellian it beggars belief – yet BROWN goes unchallenged on this nonsense.

      "Look Mr. Brown, let's get one thing straight – once and for all – RAISING taxes takes money OUT of the economy'. If people keep their money and spend it – they create demand in the economy. If you take their money off them, a large percentage of it is wasted. Stop trying to kid people that the most efficient way to create demand in an economy is for the government to take everyone's money and spend it for them."

      • BillyB
        Posted April 16, 2010 at 4:35 pm | Permalink

        Ah but a large chunk of people wouldn't spend it – they'd pay off their debts or save it instead. The people I know on variable-rate mortgages have had a huge cash bonus over the last 2 years, but they haven't spent it on consumer goodies – cleared credit cards and paid off more mortgage.

        Whereas you can be fairly sure that Gordon *would* spend it.

  2. Mike Wilson
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 11:05 am | Permalink

    I think David Cameron adopted the wrong strategy last night. He needs to take Brown to task on his record, not let him get away with the mess he has caused.

    When pushed by Brown "will you match our commitments on Police and Education spending' – I would have said 'Where are you getting all this money from? Oh yes, you're BORROWING it – you're BORROWING enough money this year to pay the wage bill of the whole public sector – and our children will be lumbered with paying it back. So, NO!, I'm not going to match your spending commitments because your spending commitments are based on dangerous levels of borrowing.

    Any fool can borrow and spend money and boast about it. But I won't kid the British people that the madness you are involved in can go on. It can't and the actions you are taking run the real risk of another financial crisis. You keep having a go at us for NOT increasing taxes by £6 billion – not for cutting taxes – but for not increasing taxes – at a time when you are spending 40, thousand, million pounds on debt interest every year – and the more you borrow the higher the amount will have to be paid back.

    So, let's do something to get the borrowing down. Let's at least try to cut waste and unnecessary spending instead of burying our heads in the sand and carrying on with the borrowing binge that got us into this mess in the first place."

    And on immigration why pussy foot around?

    "For 13 years the Labour Government Spin Machine shouted anyone down who dared to raise the subject of uncontrolled immigration – anyone was said the word 'immigration' was branded a racist. Now, Labour have realised that a lot of people think we've had enough immigration, that we're 'full up' – at a time when people here are struggling to find work, they don't want the Labour market getting even more difficult by having lots of new entrants. So now New Labour have changed their tune – they're boasting about the number of immigrants coming down. But the only reason the numbers are coming down is that we have a recession on and there is less work – so some of the people from Eastern Europe who came here have gone home because of Labour's recession.

    We want a cap because a cap means something – it is enforceable – instead of the wooly ideas others are promoting. They say 'but what if we need skilled workers and they are not available' – I say 'let's train the 1 in 4 unemployed 16 – 25 year olds to do the skilled work instead of leaving them languishing on the dole'

    Education
    "The Prime Minister boasts about cutting the number of failing schools. I say, all he has cut is the standards by which schools are judged. Everyone knows the bar has been dropped every year for years, while the government braggs about how many more students are getting higher grades each year. Out in the real world, things are different. A lot of people are so disillusioned with the education on offer at their local schools that they are prepared to do whatever it takes to open their own school. What does this say about our present education system? And ask people in business about the standards of literacy and numeracy being achieved. Some of our universities are setting their own exams now because they don't have any faith in the tick box exams sat by students today.

    The Big Picture
    Labour is a party of central control. They think that imposing targets and creating a tick box culture of checking against those targets is the way to raise standards in our public services. It isn't. It demoralises those working in our public sectors and creates a huge and expensive bureaucracy that stifles innovation.

    We'ra a party that knows that people in the public sector will do a fantastic job if you just get off their backs. Give them the resources and they will do the job. Doctors, nurses and teachers are professionals downtrodden by endless regulation and form filling. We have to change the culture and we will. Labour will never do this because they think they have to control everything.

    • APL
      Posted April 16, 2010 at 1:02 pm | Permalink

      Mike wilson: "So, NO!, I’m not going to match your spending commitments because your spending commitments are based on dangerous levels of borrowing."

      Would have been nice. But as likely as a smartie crapping blue unicorn trotting through the studio during peak viewing.

      In fact that event is more likely that David Cameron articulating any sort of Conservative/Tory policies.

      • Mike Wilson
        Posted April 16, 2010 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

        I don't see an aversion to debt as a Tory policy. I see it as something most people in the country have an instinctive aversion to – which is why it should be played upon.

        No-one likes the idea that a government is borrowing massive amounts of money that THEY and THEIR CHILDREN will pay back.

        Cameron should keep emphasising this. It is Labour's weak point. Their record on the economy is staggeringly bad – yet the point is rarely driven home.

    • Mark
      Posted April 16, 2010 at 11:46 pm | Permalink

      Sshh! You'll frighten the horses. Not even Nick Clegg could be that honest.

  3. gac
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    Focus groups dear boy, focus groups!

    That Mr Cameron and his back room staff havn't worked it out yet is reflected in the narrowness of the polls.

    Being rational in response to lies, inuendo and false accusations never passed mustard before and will not do so now.

  4. Lindsay McDougall
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 3:59 pm | Permalink

    Dear CEO of UK PLC,

    Let me put before you a nightmare scenario. You might actually win the General Election.

    Just imagine. You will call a meeting to kick off the spending review, with yourself, Alistair Darling, Ed Balls and Liam Byrne in attendance. You will kick off the meeting with the question "Right, chaps, what do we do now?"

    And there will be UTTER SILENCE. Nobody in the room will have a clue.

  5. gac
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 6:17 pm | Permalink

    The CEO is doing his best to ensure victory for our stakeholders and hard working families..

    Even that nice Mr Clegg may be doing his best for us.

    I hear that Mr Darling's seat in Edinburgh may be at less of a risk than thought – the Libdem candidate appears to have gone off on Holiday.

    I am sure though that it is just a fortunate co-oincidence for your company and that he will be back before polling day!

    Aye yours

    CEO Broon

  6. Brian Tomkinson
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 6:39 pm | Permalink

    "Spin is truth" according to Mandelson and no one seems prepared or able to show that the "King has no clothes".

  7. Posted April 17, 2010 at 11:47 pm | Permalink

    "They don’t have their own printing presses any more, now they are in the Euro. I am so glad I kept our previous CEO away from joining up, as it would be sackcloth and ashes for us too now if we had."

    Steady on, John, you'll be suggesting we join up before long…

  8. Posted April 23, 2010 at 5:54 am | Permalink

    I think David Cameron adopted the wrong strategy last night. He needs to take Brown to task on his record, not let him get away with the mess he has caused.

    When pushed by Brown "will you match our commitments on Police and Education spending' – I would have said 'Where are you getting all this money from? Oh yes, you're BORROWING it – you're BORROWING enough money this year to pay the wage bill of the whole public sector – and our children will be lumbered with paying it back. So, NO!, I'm not going to match your spending commitments because your spending commitments are based on dangerous levels of borrowing.

    Any fool can borrow and spend money and boast about it. But I won't kid the British people that the madness you are involved in can go on. It can't and the actions you are taking run the real risk of another financial crisis. You keep having a go at us for NOT increasing taxes by £6 billion – not for cutting taxes – but for not increasing taxes – at a time when you are spending 40, thousand, million pounds on debt interest every year – and the more you borrow the higher the amount will have to be paid back.

    So, let's do something to get the borrowing down. Let's at least try to cut waste and unnecessary spending instead of burying our heads in the sand and carrying on with the borrowing binge that got us into this mess in the first place."

    And on immigration why pussy foot around?

    "For 13 years the Labour Government Spin Machine shouted anyone down who dared to raise the subject of uncontrolled immigration – anyone was said the word 'immigration' was branded a racist. Now, Labour have realised that a lot of people think we've had enough immigration, that we're 'full up' – at a time when people here are struggling to find work, they don't want the Labour market getting even more difficult by having lots of new entrants. So now New Labour have changed their tune – they're boasting about the number of immigrants coming down. But the only reason the numbers are coming down is that we have a recession on and there is less work – so some of the people from Eastern Europe who came here have gone home because of Labour's recession.

    We want a cap because a cap means something – it is enforceable – instead of the wooly ideas others are promoting. They say 'but what if we need skilled workers and they are not available' – I say 'let's train the 1 in 4 unemployed 16 – 25 year olds to do the skilled work instead of leaving them languishing on the dole'

    Education
    "The Prime Minister boasts about cutting the number of failing schools. I say, all he has cut is the standards by which schools are judged. Everyone knows the bar has been dropped every year for years, while the government braggs about how many more students are getting higher grades each year. Out in the real world, things are different. A lot of people are so disillusioned with the education on offer at their local schools that they are prepared to do whatever it takes to open their own school. What does this say about our present education system? And ask people in business about the standards of literacy and numeracy being achieved. Some of our universities are setting their own exams now because they don't have any faith in the tick box exams sat by students today.

    The Big Picture
    Labour is a party of central control. They think that imposing targets and creating a tick box culture of checking against those targets is the way to raise standards in our public services. It isn't. It demoralises those working in our public sectors and creates a huge and expensive bureaucracy that stifles innovation.

    We'ra a party that knows that people in the public sector will do a fantastic job if you just get off their backs. Give them the resources and they will do the job. Doctors, nurses and teachers are professionals downtrodden by endless regulation and form filling. We have to change the culture and we will. Labour will never do this because they think they have to control everything.

  9. Posted April 26, 2010 at 7:26 am | Permalink

    Wow, what a great blog it is to visit daily the posts on this blog, This blog shares a very good and deep knowledge of each and every topic. Thanks for such a great blog.

  • About John Redwood


    John Redwood won a free place at Kent College, Canterbury, He graduated from Magdalen College Oxford, has a DPhil and is a fellow of All Souls College. A businessman by background, he has been a director of NM Rothschild merchant bank and chairman of a quoted industrial PLC.

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