April Fool’s Day

 

It is conventional for websites and newspapers to compete with each other to come up with a ludicrous story on April 1st that people fall for. As I thought about what mine should be, I concluded that truth these days is often much more extreme than fiction. Instead I thought I would list a few stories that are true that could have been good April Fool jests some years ago. I ask you to write in with your contribution in a  similar spirit.

UK to close 7 power stations producing cheap power because the EU does not like them . This will leave the UK short of power  on cold winter days, and will help  drive the price of electricity up substantially.

UK to rely for 20% of its electricity on wind power, generated by very expensive wind farms that we have to subsidise. The country will have to get round to building an equivalent amount of capacity to the wind farms to stand idle when they are producing, for the periods when the wind is not blowing. This will be done to limit the amount of CO2 the UK produces, so we can import products from elsewhere where they have cheaper power and produce more CO2. No-one will  worry about how much CO2 is expended building all the extra power stations for double banking.

The Environment Agency will decide that it should not carry on dredging the rivers and water courses in the Somerset levels, and will not maintain or increase the capacity of the pumps, so the levels can flood badly whenever it rains too much. This will be done in the name of restoring old wetland habitats under an EU Directive. The slogan will be “Water foul  before people”.

The UK will hand over most of the regulation of its financial sector to the EU, in the belief that they will judge it wisely and look  after our interests.

The UK will invite in an extra 250,000 people  a year, whilst saying it intends to cut its CO2 output,  and protect our green and pleasant land.

 

 

 

 

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104 Comments

  1. Jennifer A
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:26 am | Permalink

    The English sense of humour banned under EU directive such and such. Well not really, but the effect of all the other directives is the same.

    These policies are completely insane, Mr Redwood.

  2. arschloch
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:35 am | Permalink

    Man to become Prime Minister whose CV only includes a PPE degree and brief employment at Carlton TV, writing PR handouts for such unforgettable shows as ,”The Hypnotic World of Paul McKenna” and “TV’s Naughtiest Blunders”. He also gets extremely upset if you ask him what he got up to before he became an an MP.

    • zorro
      Posted April 2, 2014 at 6:04 pm | Permalink

      Maybe it’s because he has difficulty remembering what he was doing?

      zorro

  3. Lifelogic
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:42 am | Permalink

    Having flooded the levels by lack of management they will then use the havoc they created to push yet further the CO2 pollution agenda. This despite the Met office had predicted droughts and a dryer than normal winter.

    They will conflate this with the the issue of high winds coinciding with high spring tides, an issue which has been with us for billions of years.

    They claim to be tax cutting but will not cut waste or expenditure on endless nonsense like HS2. Ignoring the fact that a deficit is just deferred taxation anyway.

    They will claim they can predict the climate for 100 years but cannot tell you it for Tuesday week.

    They think their priority in three letters is the N H S which is killing thousands and is totally dysfunctional and is in desperate need of huge reform.

    They keep 50% income tax rates and now 45% but raise less tax than they would from lower rates anyway.

    They seem to think low paid workers from the EU pay more tax than they cost when they actually make a huge loss on them, create problems with services and it lower wages for others.

    They claim to be tax cutters but have made 299+ tax increases.

    Borris even wants to close Heathrow (yesterday) did he get the date wrong by a day?

    • uanime5
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:44 pm | Permalink

      They will claim they can predict the climate for 100 years but cannot tell you it for Tuesday week.

      Climates are measured annually, not weekly.

      They think their priority in three letters is the N H S which is killing thousands and is totally dysfunctional and is in desperate need of huge reform.

      You mean like the huge top-down NHS reform we just had which resulted in senior trust managers being given large redundancy packages, then rehired to work in the new consortium.

      You also forgot about selling Royal Mail shares at a low price so the government got £1-3 billion less than they could have gotten.

  4. margaret brandreth-j
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:47 am | Permalink

    First of all I will say a happy birthday to my late mother whose birthday it is today. She was a staunch socialist and believed that everyone was good enough to share and look after each others interests. Happy Birthday Mum, x
    Secondly I will say happy birthday to my ex badminton partner of many years who believed someone has to lead and that was him. Happy Birthday Ian.
    Now the Birthday credits have rolled over ,I have recently become aware of a federation of countries who believe that freedom is the pivotal asset of democracy.In order to achieve this they have decided to take control.

  5. Lifelogic
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:04 am | Permalink

    Cameron is a tax cutting, EUsceptic, cheap energy, smaller government & a truly visionary Conservative.

    The Tories to win an overall majority in May 14 and May 15.

    Cameron and Osborne keep their to word on an issue.

  6. Mike Stallard
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:16 am | Permalink

    How about:
    In order to comply with the Green Directives, our electricity will be provided by secret, hidden diesel generators when the grid needs a boost when the wind is not blowing.

    • Leslie Singleton
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:00 am | Permalink

      Mike–Or when it is blowing too hard

    • Tad Davison
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:15 pm | Permalink

      I saw something a few days ago that I cannot explain, and this is NOT an April fool’s joke. There’s a wind farm to the south of Huntingdon, and when my wife and I passed, the blades were turning, albeit fairly slowly. I pointed this out to her, but she couldn’t see anything wrong with that, until I also pointed out that there wasn’t a breath of wind, even at that elevated position. Not even enough to blow a feather from a vertical descent. Any thoughts?

      Tad

      • Denis Cooper
        Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:47 pm | Permalink

        As I understand it would be taking power from the grid to keep the blades turning slowly in order to make sure that the mechanism didn’t seize up or maybe for some other technical reason.

      • Lifelogic
        Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:12 pm | Permalink

        Indeed I understand they sometimes drive them with power to keep them in phase and the gears moving one assumes. They are after glorified, rotating bad and bird exploding crucifix, adverts/come modern places of worship from a distance.

        Generating economic electricity is not really the point or even the outcome of them. It is however convenient that they have to be on hills and tall and thus conveniently visible.

  7. Old Albion
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:26 am | Permalink

    Succesive British governments will give ever more devolution to three parts of the (dis)UK whilst ignoring the existence of the largest part. To the point of not being willing or able to speak the name of this missing section, even when discussing the affairs of the unspoken country.

  8. Bernard from Bucks
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:27 am | Permalink

    Cameron went on TV on the very eve of the last General Election, and told his supporters, and the public, that he had ‘no plans to introduce gay marriage’

    • Bob
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:57 am | Permalink

      It’s very telling that the PM found it easier to redefine marriage that to address the reason that people need to marry, i.e. Inheritance Tax!

  9. Andyvan
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:40 am | Permalink

    The EU and US provoke an armed coup (etc ed) against a legitimate (but corrupt) government in the Ukraine then accuse Russia of invading a part of the Ukraine that votes to go back to being Russian.

  10. Lifelogic
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:46 am | Permalink

    The BBC is from now on to take an unbiased position on AGW, so called “renewables”, the EU, the size of the state sector & levels of taxation. To this end all journalists will be fired except Andrew Neil who is considered to be about middle of the road. Lord Patten and Baron Tony Hall also to resign.

    They also resolved to call landlords just “landlords” from now on and not always “unscrupulous landlords” – as they historically always have done.

    The BBC also admits they could run on about 25% of their current income and still improve the service actually delivered.

    BBC admits the legally enforced equality agenda is barking mad & hugely damaging to people and the economy.

    • Bob
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:18 am | Permalink

      @lifelogic

      They also resolved to call landlords just “landlords” from now on and not always “unscrupulous landlords” – as they historically always have done.

      They also agreed to allow the phrase “unscrupulous tenants” to enter their lexicon.

      • Nick Berryman
        Posted April 2, 2014 at 10:32 am | Permalink

        The BBC should just be banned from using adjectives. That would sort out the problem of bias (almost).

    • Tad Davison
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:24 pm | Permalink

      LL,

      ‘To this end all journalists will be fired except Andrew Neil who is considered to be about middle of the road.’

      Not as bad as some of the other Bolshies from the BBC maybe, except that he’s equally bad when it comes to ignoring the grubby fingers of the EU, and them stirring up foment in order to bring about regime change in Ukraine. He still sees the Russians as the bad guys, when thinking people now see that Putin was just protecting his assets in Crimea, and calling a halt to EU expansionism.

      Tad

  11. alan jutson
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:46 am | Permalink

    Nigal Farage voted President of EU after a secret ballot.

    Yes there is Climate change, its going to get colder and less windy says an expert report written in 1997 by scientists, but only just uncovered. Thus all green taxes are to be scrapped with immediate effect.

    Foreign aid is being so well utilised, that we plan to borrow even more and to raise taxes to pay for it.
    It is reported that some terrorist groups are now standing in a line ready to accept it, and ready to distribute it to the hungry and needy.

    David Cameron says the EU has given him so many powers back that we no longer need to wait until 2017 for a referendum, as its a done deal now.
    Pressed on what powers, he gave a nod and a wink !.

    The Deficit will be gone by 2015 with 80% cuts and 20% tax rises says the Chancellor who denies public spending increases in cash terms, and hundreds of tax rises.

    Labour says it will dump the bedroom tax, but introduce a lounge tax, Vince Cable not convinced this is a good idea, as he would propose a Council tax based on the value of property.

    Ed Balls Creates 1,000,000 jobs overnight by employing the unemployed to count the unemployed each day of the week, some are to even work weekends with overtime on a Saturday or Sunday to boost the economy and increase GDP through the sale of pencils.
    A Labour spokesman said.
    We have cut unemployment at a stroke as promised.

    A new Government computer system is reported to be ahead of time, and under budget.
    Turns out its a second hand computer bought on e Bay for a new SPAD who is an unpaid intern..

    • Hope
      Posted April 2, 2014 at 7:50 am | Permalink

      Excellent. Right to recall given the green light and the number of MPs halved over not with huge savings to the taxpayer!

  12. The PrangWizard
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:48 am | Permalink

    The UK government will devise a system so that only the people of England pay prescription charges for essential medicines, and ensure they are free in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

  13. Mark B
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:55 am | Permalink

    We will convert a power station from burning coal (fossilized wood) to burning wood pellets imported from the USA. These wood pellets will come from freshly chopped down trees and shipped at great expense across the Atlantic Ocean. This, it is believed, will help to save the environment and reduce CO2 emissions.

    We will build huge numbers of windmills to power our energy supply because it cleaner. This will also reduce the levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. The windmills are manufactured using conventional fossil fuels. When the wind is not blowing, we will use diesel electric generators, at great cost, to power our homes. This too is done to save the environment.

    We must be prepared to accept food and water shortages because of rising levels of CO2.

    And it is important to remember, that this gas that we are so frightened of, that we are prepared to commit mass industrial suicide to placate, represents a highly dangerous level of 0.03% of the air that we breath. So in order to save the planet and not to add to the pollution, we must all do our bit and try and hold our breath for as long as we can. Only this will save us.

    etc ed

    • Mark B
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

      You came third in Eastleigh !

    • uanime5
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:09 pm | Permalink

      We must be prepared to accept food and water shortages because of rising levels of CO2.

      Specially because of the droughts and crop failure caused by man made CO2.

      And it is important to remember, that this gas that we are so frightened of, that we are prepared to commit mass industrial suicide to placate, represents a highly dangerous level of 0.03% of the air that we breath.

      Carbon monoxide is fatal to humans at 0.16% (death occurs in less than 2 hours) and carbon dioxide becomes toxic to humans at over 5%. Just because something is present in a small quantity doesn’t make it harmless.

      • Edward2
        Posted April 2, 2014 at 12:28 pm | Permalink

        More nonsense Uni.
        World agricultural output and food production is up year after year says the UN

      • APL
        Posted April 3, 2014 at 7:02 am | Permalink

        “Carbon monoxide is fatal ”

        Is a completely different gas with completely different chemical and physical properties, and completely different physiological properties to Carbon dioxide in the human body.

        Oxygen can be poisonous under certain conditions too.

  14. Narrow Shoulders
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:59 am | Permalink

    The Chancellor intends to cut public expenditure. Further he intends to reduce the deficit using only 20% tax increases.

    We are the party of aspiration says Mr Cameron

  15. Narrow Shoulders
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 7:01 am | Permalink

    Unchecked immigration is beneficial to the UK. Everyone benefits

    • Larry LowTax
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:47 am | Permalink

      Yes, you can never have enough of a good thing……

      Please add to your list: tax, spending borrowing, quangos, bureaucrats, inquiries, laws and regulations.

  16. Richard1
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 7:11 am | Permalink

    The main opposition party believes the best way to improve living standards is for the government to control prices, despite all the evidence of where that leads from the UK in the 60s and 70s and from the Soviet Union, Venezuela etc. Maybe Ed Miliband could actually cut some prices to make us all richer? How about a maximum £1 for a loaf of bread or a pint of beer, 50p for litre of milk or petrol, and maybe £50,000 per bedroom for a house?

    Can anyone who still intends to vote Labour spot the flaw in this?

    • Leslie Singleton
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:06 am | Permalink

      Lionheart–It is very much part of the problem that Labour supporters cannot see the flaw.

    • Rods
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

      It has worked well in Venezuela. Anybody need a roll of toilet paper!

  17. Nick Berryman
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 7:23 am | Permalink

    Dear John,

    Loyalty to your country must surely come before loyalty to a political party.
    Your views are so contrary to those of Cameron and his Europhile liberal fellow-travellers, that you have surely given much thought to defecting to UKIP. For the sake of our lovely country, please just do it. An MP of your standing and influence would be a real game changer.
    I accept that you are a very loyal person, but so was Churchill, and he did it twice!

    Kind regards,
    Nick Berryman
    Ex-Conservative Party member and previously lifelong supporter.

    Reply I have explained several times before on this site why I think increasing the splits in the Eurosceptic movement will make things worse, not better.

    • Leslie Singleton
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:16 am | Permalink

      Reply to Reply–True, you have, but the populace is unpersuaded and like it or not the vote is split and is going to stay split. You have undeniably lost that battle. As Nick says, you could make a game changing difference if you declared for UKIP. I believe Wokingham would continue to vote for you. Your article today and the contributions merit tears rather than laughter. Something big has to happen. Think of yourself as a catalyst.

    • Nick Berryman
      Posted April 2, 2014 at 10:26 am | Permalink

      As Leslie correctly says, the vote is going to stay split.
      The difference between Conservative Eurosceptics and UKIP is that the former have changed nothing (nor will they), whereas the latter is changing the face of politics – and not before time.
      Nick

  18. M Davis
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 7:34 am | Permalink

    All I can add, is:

    Are you listening, David Cameron, and what are you going to do about it?

  19. Alan Wheatley
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 7:37 am | Permalink

    I think your last paragraph is particularly telling as it neatly illustrates the folly of conflicting policies. The really worrying thing is that those in charge do not seem to be capable of an overall strategic understanding of all the matters for which they are responsible, perhaps because their focus is too much on pet projects, such as gay marriage.

    • Alan Wheatley
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

      Gay marriages boost GDP by 5%!

    • Alan Wheatley
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:39 pm | Permalink

      Gay couple claim to be the first to book HS2 for their marriage ceremony!

  20. oldtimer
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:07 am | Permalink

    The Scottish government has decided that whereas Scottish university students should pay no tuition fees, students from England will pay such fees unlike students from elsewhere in the EU who will not pay such fees.

  21. stred
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:08 am | Permalink

    The EU Directive requiring additional amounts of ethanol to be added to petrol will be coming in soon. The percentage will increase to 10%. Tests have shown that, as ethanol contains less energy, fuel consumption will be increased by around 10%. In future cars going on a journey of 100 miles and using 90 units of carbon fuel and 10 units of ethanol will have to buy another 9 units of carbon fuel and 1 unit of ethanol to go the last 9 miles, then another 0.1 of carbon + 0.01 of ethanol to go the last near mile. This will produce carbon dioxide savings approaching zero.

    As ethanol in the EU is mainly sourced from the USA, corn is used to produce it and this is described in the DECC book on Sustainable Energy, as ‘astonishingly’ poor in terms of land use to energy produced. Petrol stations in the country will have to add another pump, as older cars have engines and fuel supply which will be damaged by ethanol.Rural stations may have to close. As energy is required to produce and transport the fuel, more CO2 will be produced. Some scientists, working for the EU, have suggested that turning large amounts of land over to fuel production will mean high food prices and more forests and grassland being used for food production and therefore damaging the environment.

    • lojolondon
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:33 am | Permalink

      This is another blooper – hilarious if it wasn’t deadly serious. Wonder why they don’t just put 10% water in the fuel, if they are going to add 10% and it reduces performance by 10%.
      We all know carbon doesn’t cause our non-existant global warming, but I wonder what the non-financial cost of shipping millions of tons of ethenol from the USA is??

    • bigneil
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

      If you are getting less power and mpg ( ok -mpl for the converts), therefore buying more fuel to get somewhere in the same time, isn’t the govt just going to get more of our money? Similar to the supermarkets – the price stays the same -you just get a smaller bar of chocolate.

    • uanime5
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:19 pm | Permalink

      In future cars going on a journey of 100 miles and using 90 units of carbon fuel and 10 units of ethanol will have to buy another 9 units of carbon fuel and 1 unit of ethanol to go the last 9 miles, then another 0.1 of carbon + 0.01 of ethanol to go the last near mile. This will produce carbon dioxide savings approaching zero.

      But as ethanol costs less than oil the fuel, and thus the overall journey, should be cheaper.

      As ethanol in the EU is mainly sourced from the USA, corn is used to produce it and this is described in the DECC book on Sustainable Energy, as ‘astonishingly’ poor in terms of land use to energy produced.

      Did they propose a way to use this land that would generate more energy? If not then corn production will produce the optimum amount of energy from this land.

      As energy is required to produce and transport the fuel, more CO2 will be produced.

      Why would more energy be required? Does refining and producing ethanol produce more CO2 than refining and producing petrol?

      Some scientists, working for the EU, have suggested that turning large amounts of land over to fuel production will mean high food prices and more forests and grassland being used for food production and therefore damaging the environment.

      As farmers are currently being paid to grow oil seed rape instead of food I doubt that they’ll be many food shortages if they switch to corn used for ethanol production.

      • APL
        Posted April 3, 2014 at 7:11 am | Permalink

        uanime5: “But as ethanol costs less than oil the fuel, and thus the overall journey, should be cheaper.”

        Ethanol has less energy when you burn it, thus you need more of it to go the same distance than if you were using petrol.

        While it *might* cost less per unit, you’d need to buy more units.

        By the way, the cost of manufacturer of petrol/desiel is unrelated to the price at the fuel station. The latter is inflated by at least 100% as a result of government taxes, duties and VAT.

      • stred
        Posted April 5, 2014 at 2:31 pm | Permalink

        Being away I missed your strange reply on behalf of the green lobby. Just in case anyone took it seriously, the reply is as follows.

        Ethanol is cheaper! There are trendy fireplaces used by greens with designer houses to impress their friends. These consist of a glass slab and a saucer, which they fill with ethanol and then set fire to it. The combustion products then go into the room. Let’s hope they don’t try to top it up while still alight. The ethanol costs around £2-3 per litre. Petrol costs £1.30/ltr including around 80% tax.

        Energy production of ethanol from cprn kernels reqires energy and transport from the US. Oil already contains energy and needs to be separated into different fuels. This is done locally nearer to the user.

        Rapeseed for diesel is grown in Europe. Corn in the US. Both divert food to fuel in ways described as inefficient. Sugar cane and beet are much more efficient and used in Brazil. Try looking up the EU’s own Scientific Committee on land use for biofuels, The accounting is described as at high risk of being false.

  22. oldtimer
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:19 am | Permalink

    The BBC has resolved to eschew using misleading images in its subliminal attempts to influence peoples` thinking about issues, such as showing a picture of a car exhaust pipe when describing air pollution that was actually caused by Sahara sand.

    • Lifelogic
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:16 pm | Permalink

      Indeed their favorite before was to show power station cooling towers, giving off harmless steam and pretend that was pollution!

      • ian wragg
        Posted April 2, 2014 at 11:50 am | Permalink

        Yes but what really amused me was the windmill is always stopped.

  23. stred
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:19 am | Permalink

    It is proposed that parents, who have not shown enough love for their children, may face prosecution for child abuse and jail. A spokesperson for abused unloved adults said, “my mum never gave me any love and this why I am now such an unattractive miserable unlovable person myself”. Her mum is fighting back, saying ” It’s not fair that I should have to go to jail. My daughter was not a nice child and was always a miserable unlovable girl. I was the same myself and my mum hated me too”. Her gran is, fortunately, dead.

    • Bob
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:50 am | Permalink

      @stred

      parents, who have not shown enough love for their children, may face prosecution for child abuse and jail.

      Well at least this should be simple to enforce and will not turn into a bonanza for social workers and lawyers.
      I expect that our dear leader will soon be added to the list of persons subject to enforced affection.

  24. oldtimer
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:29 am | Permalink

    The UK has decided to build two extremely expensive aircraft carriers while, at the same time, selling the aircraft it has that can use them off cheap to the USA military who can think of a use for them. It then fails to buy any replacement aircraft to be available for use when the carriers do come into service. This is known, in MoD parlance, as the white sea elephant defence ploy. Ingenious minds at the MoD calculate that this is so obviously stupid that our enemies will conclude that it is cover for a cunning plan and will tie themselves in knots trying to work out what it is.

  25. Martyn G
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:36 am | Permalink

    Newsflash!
    Hosepipe ban introduced in the Somerset levels with immediate effect to save water.

    • Mark B
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:43 pm | Permalink

      I think we have a winner !

  26. Brian Tomkinson
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:43 am | Permalink

    Every day has seemed like April Fool’s Day since this coalition government was formed.The list of ‘jests’ at our expense is just far too long to print here. Unfortunately, those who should know better are still prepared to put party before country and support the jokers. So far the joke has been on the electorate but the time is rapidly approaching for us to take our retribution.

    • acorn
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:31 pm | Permalink

      My thoughts exactly Brian.

      The BCC is today calling for more economically literate MPs; amen to that.

      Osborne continues to push an economic ideology (neo-liberalism), that was out of date three decades back. He is making the same “bull-in-a-china-shop” spending cut mistakes that Thatcher and Major made; the voters could easily be fooled into letting him do it again in 2015. Third world, here we come!

      Today, we have a bunch of economically illiterate ministers, trying to reprise the “Frakin’ Fallon MP” statement that getting £3.30 for Royal Mail shares was much better than getting £5.50. The average Brit voter will believe this crap.

      Less than a month after the budget and the OBR’s tax receipt forecast, is already looking overly optimistic.

      Non-financial corporations are stashing the cash away like it’s the end of the world. Paying their top guys to sit around for at least a day a week (hence low UK productivity, but they still have income to spend which is good). A sort of private sector welfare system
      ……….

      As we get nearer the election, expect a subtle “Road to Damascus” conversion in Osbornes thinking. He will start to look more like Alistair Darling than Darling does. He has already started to be a bit Keynesian, but he is hiding it behind the BoE. He must be praying that Govenor Carney does not rat on him. With a basically stagnant economy at the current 6% budget deficit, what do you think it will be like with 0% deficit in 2018/19? Darling and his Governor Merv King, discovered that 11% budget deficit would lift the UK economy off the runway. In 2010/11 Osborne shut the fuel off to the engines.

      So we have a government that will take a year to think if not paying your TV tax is a crime or not. And, take two and a half years for its Competition and Markets Authority to think about energy companies EBIT; (and still expect them to invest in new generation capability). How long do you think President Vladimir Putin would take? How long would Nigel Farage take; he seems to like Putin’s style?

      BTW. UKIP may be the flavour of the moment; but, UKIP has no more idea of how a sovereign fiat currency economy actually works than the others.

      Reply Current Public spending has risen in real terms under this government.The economy is currently growing quickly by its own past standards.

      • APL
        Posted April 3, 2014 at 11:54 am | Permalink

        JR: “Current Public spending has risen in real terms under this government.”

        And the deficit??

        Reply It has fallen

        • APL
          Posted April 3, 2014 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

          JR: it has fallen.

          And the UK government debt?

          Reply Gone up, as I have often set out in figures.

  27. Douglas Carter
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    The discovery by HM Treasury that massive defence cuts increase our influence in the world and discourage overseas tyranny and extremism absolutely. The associate discovery that the smaller the Armed Forces become, the more powerful and capable they are.

    Once we’re down to a single serving soldier, with one rifle and one bullet, we’ll be invincible and the world will tremble at our calling….

  28. rick hamilton
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:56 am | Permalink

    A high speed rail line called HS2 will be built as slowly as possible at vast expense. It will be carefully engineered to ensure that any passenger wishing to connect with HS1 will have to drag his suitcase along Euston Road.

    (item left out ed)
    A law will be passed allowing people of the same sex to marry each other.

    The UK will press millions of aid money on countries which have their own nuclear weapons and space projects.

    Scottish politicians will think it a good idea to give votes to children.

    A top ranking unelected bureaucrat in Brussels will announce that the EU is an empire.

    British motorists will buy their petrol in litres and observe speed limits in miles per hour. Nobody will be able to work out how many miles per gallon their car does.

    Australians, New Zealanders and Canadians will be treated by immigration as aliens while Bulgarians and Romanians are welcomed with open arms.

    April Fool. You really couldn’t make it up.

  29. Bert Young
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:58 am | Permalink

    As a form of retribution , the EU has decided to hand back to the UK its entire contributions for the past 10 years . The EU believes in the practice of audit and expense analysis but feels the allocations made under the Common Agricultural Budget should be exempt from scrutiny . The UK has been offered this most generous pay-back with the proviso that Nigel Farage will be constrained from all public appearances until August 2014 . In order to retain UK membership in the EU , all UK citizens of 60+ years are to receive a pension of £ 10,000 per annum and free travel warrants throughout Europe . The funding of these proposals will be underwritten by the ECB with the back up and support of the IMF . The German Higher Court have agreed not to veto these proposals .

  30. formula57
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:03 am | Permalink

    UK Taxpayers see their Post Office assets sold for c £1 billion less than the market soon after values the business in a deal led by the ex chief economist of Shell (and current cabinet minister) who explains the priority was to get the sale done so the government no longer had responsibility for the business , not to achieve a good price.

    In a further all too fanciful for reality aspect, the deal also provided for some participating bankers to enter a “gentleman’s agreement” that saw their share allocations increased in return for agreeing not to sell in the secondary market for some long while – a deal promptly broken to earn super profits and, it must be hoped, mega-bonuses all round.

  31. peter davies
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:41 am | Permalink

    The slogan will be “Water foul before people” should read “Just Add Water”

  32. Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    We recycle paper to save trees.
    We import wood chippings to feed a power station so as to save non-renewable fuels.
    Wouldn’t it be easier to burn the paper and save the recycling costs?

  33. Davison Ted
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:44 am | Permalink

    The slogan will be “Water foul before people”.

    In fact, the real slogan is a still better laugh: ‘Making space for water’.
    And they did it, too.

    • Tad Davison
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

      Is that your real name, or is this a really foolish April fool?

      Tad Davison

      Cambridge

  34. Ex-expat Colin
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    A damp rag runs the EU Council…said a man who goes to a pub in Kent.

    I don’t like being told what to…said a man in a pub in Central London.

    Westminster is a bubble consisting of many that are out of touch with reality…said a man on TV who had been seen holding a pint of beer earlier.

    Trouble is its not April fool stuff is it ? TF for beer anyway!

  35. yulwaymartyn
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:53 am | Permalink

    Nigel and new friend and kindred spirit Vlad debate how to prevent gay marriage corrupting the morals of the nation.

    • stred
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 12:49 pm | Permalink

      Yulway. You may have misunderstood the reasons for Nigel and others here arguing that the EU and US had responsibility for the death of a large number of revolutionaries and policemen during the recent cock up. The point is that, had they waited a year until the due election, none of the loss of life would have happened, the Crimea would still be in the Ukraine, and they would not be facing salary cuts, unemployment, price rises and increased gas charges. And we would not be having to borrow to pay for it.

      The lack of support for the Eural Dave is not because we necessarily think that Vlad is our best mate. In fact we realise that, should anyone jab us up the backside with a poisoned umbrella, our last thoughts would possibly be about the KGB. On the other hand, thanks for pointing out the connection between gay marriage and Vlad, where his views match those of a lot of conservatives. Perhaps his refusal to allow gay propaganda to be pushed in Russian schools is one of the reasons why the Metros dislike him so much. When he was interviewed on Marr, they didn’t want to talk about anything else.

      • forthurst
        Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:10 pm | Permalink

        “The point is that, had they waited a year until the due election, none of the loss of life would have happened, the Crimea would still be in the Ukraine”

        Unfortunately, there was a need for urgent action to prevent Yanukovych consolidating his rapprochement with Russia, so the rioting in the Maidan, storming of government buildings …… and the (alleged ed)false flag murders of police and demonstrators by snipers was essential to bring about universal condemnation of the innocent party, the collapse of his regime and his flight to Russia.

        However, what Vlad and Nigel have in common is that they are both cheeky chappies who will keep us entertained so we may find them more sympathetic than the others whose nasty little projects for causing trouble in the world are exposed on YouTube.

  36. David T
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:54 am | Permalink

    National passports to be phased out by 2020 in favour of a single EU passport. A range of different passport covers, each featuring a different flag from the member EU countries, can be purchased by those who would like to see their passport including some acknowledgement of nationality (Cost €55 each).

  37. Mike A R Powell
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:54 am | Permalink

    The greatest April Fools of all are any anti-EU Conservatives who keep their loyalty and continue to support David Cameron when UKIP could use their help to free our nation.

  38. Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    The government is to take a lead position in new media by launching a permit scheme for the ownership of devices designed to receive the new media, called a TV licence.

    All households procuring such devices will have to get a state permit, at the price of £145.50, with those failing to do so faces prosecution and criminal sanction.

    All of the revenues from the permitting system will go to the dominant authority in new media – the British Broadcasting Corporation – which will provide content by all media for the whole community, that is challenging, wholesome and presents a completely unbiased perspective, so that citizens can go about their daily activities and be fully informed about the issues of the day.

    Private competitors will be permitted, but only through a rigorous vetting process by a state regulator called OfCom – to ensure that they too uphold the standards of the state broadcaster, and get punished for infringements. Even citizens who only consume the content of these competitors must have a permit, because the content provided by the state broadcaster is in the national interest.

    “Citizens who refuse to have a television permit are criminals, who like those trying to minimise their tax liabilities, steal from us all, meaning permit fees are higher and there is less money for schools and hospitals. They effectively hurt children and the elderly” said the Minister.

    • Dr. Sok
      Posted April 2, 2014 at 11:42 am | Permalink

      Citizens who are prosecuted and sent to prison are then locked into a little room for 23 hours a day for the duration of their sentence with a television in the corner. The state pays for the license.

  39. Roy Grainger
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:19 am | Permalink

    The government will sell a substantial number of cheap shares in the Post Office only to institutional “priority investors” with the intention that they become long-term core investors, and all those priority investors will then sell all their shares within a few weeks for a massive profit.

  40. lojolondon
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    John, April Fools jokes need to be believable, these are too ridiculous, no-one will ever fall for these –

    But you raise an interesting point – what could the EU do that would make us respond, object, actually take action? – Like sheep, we meekly accept every assault on our freedoms without demur.

    Ed Miliband previously committed that he would offer a referendum ‘if further powers were transferred to Brussels’ – not realising (or perhaps realising!) that hundreds of laws are passed down to us every month…. it is really sad for Britain.

  41. miami.mode
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    The Royal Mail has been in public ownership for almost 400 years but because they are politicians and generally find it too difficult to manage an organisation effectively, the government will sell it at around 60% of it’s real value.

    The sale will include the postcode system which, going forward, may be worth many millions in itself and they will proclaim the whole exercise to be a great success for taxpayers.

    Some customers wonder if it will remain Royal and how long it will be before the Queen’s head is replaced by that of the EU president.

    • miami.mode
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:54 am | Permalink

      My maths are nearly as bad as the government’s – it’s almost 500 years!

  42. Iain Gill
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 12:01 pm | Permalink

    Re “The UK will invite in an extra 250,000 people a year, whilst saying it intends to cut its CO2 output, and protect our green and pleasant land.”

    Well said John

    • Anonymous
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

      250,000 people is 3x Wembley Stadiums full.

      You need to picture it to fully realise the contempt Mr Cameron has for us when he calls us fruitcakes and loons.

      He simply does not understand our fears. Well how could he ?

  43. Denis Cooper
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

    In a key speech, the Chancellor of the Exchequer tells the 7 billion people of the world that he will provide a job for anyone who wants to come to the UK to work and thereby enrich us, provided that almost the same number of people leave the UK.

    Questioned about this policy on television, a junior minister says that if the interviewer wants a debate on immigration then he can have one, but not now and not in connection with the Chancellor’s announcement.

  44. Kenneth R Moore
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 12:31 pm | Permalink

    George Osborne implementing an ‘austerity program’ to ‘clean up the mess’ left by Labour overspending … and then increasing the national debt by more than labour did over 13 years.
    Nobody in the media spotlight (even John Redwood) will admit the true scale of the problem – the economy is a debt addicted giant Ponzi scheme relying on borrowed money to ‘buy’ growth. The forbearance of the bond and debt markets are keeping us in food and fuel.. for now.
    Interest rates kept at rock bottom permanently as we have become too poor as a nation to save and invest for the future – we need every penny and more now.

    The Conservatives then introduce a few tax cuts, stoke a new housing bubble to increase debt and consumption, and hope people will be fooled into voting them in again…

  45. Rods
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    Top 10 April Fools stories:

    1. Cast iron Dave to hold EU in / out vote in 2017 after successful EU renegotiation.

    2. The EU government is a democracy, the commission is not a politburo.

    3. Austerity means government spending goes down.

    4. RBS makes a profit and is ready to be sold, so UK tax payers don’t make a loss.

    5. UK cold winters a thing of the past due to global warming.

    6. Britain has adequate defences, 200 tanks, 23 destroyers and frigates are more than enough.

    7. Government did not sell Post Office off too cheaply.

    8. Birds to take priority over humans on habitat.

    9. Wind turbines can provide continuous power, so there is no threat to grid stability.

    10. Hollande’s socialist economic policies a success.

  46. Tad Davison
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:00 pm | Permalink

    I’ve got an April fool joke! The Tories are Eurosceptic and always act in the UK’s best interest!

    Tad Davison

    Cambridge

  47. Tom William
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

    To explain and amplify our common European heritage the EU proposes to make a one year school exchange obligatory for all members.

    The EU is planning to incorporate all countries where the main language is a European language into the EU, apart from the USA, Australia, Canada and New Zealand.

  48. forthurst
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    JR calls a news conference for a very important announcement, “It is time to bare my chest; now, after all these years, locked in a far from gay marriage with a party whose predelictions I was not born to share, I’m coming out of the closet; yes, it’s true, I’m one of those, universally hated and despised in the tight little Westminster bubble in which I’ve lived for too long, but, finally, I have given up trying to fool myself and the world and his uncle: I have been for some time a secret friend of Nige, but now I’m out and proud.”

    Reply This is not in the spirit of the challenge, as it is untrue.

  49. Denis Cooper
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    Speaking on the radio, a Scottish politician said that people in the UK outside Scotland should definitely not have any say on whether they continued to share their currency with people in Scotland after the Scots had decided that Scotland should separate from the UK and become a foreign country:

    http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/top-stories/ruk-should-have-say-on-currency-union-darling-1-3359364

    And the UK government said that it agreed with her:

    http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/ea4f89a8-b8f0-11e3-98c5-00144feabdc0.html?siteedition=uk#axzz2xe9AkqQu

  50. Edward2
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 4:37 pm | Permalink

    It is revealed today on April 1st, that well the known political bloggers Uanime5 and Bazman are actually Ed Milliband and Ed Balls

    • Tad Davison
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 6:31 pm | Permalink

      Lol. I’m not sure even Balls and Miliband could be that far out so often!

      Tad

    • Lifelogic
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

      The uselessness of Ed Milliband and Ed Balls is the only thing going for Cameron but it won’t be enough at this rate.

    • APL
      Posted April 3, 2014 at 9:48 am | Permalink

      Edward2: “that well the known political bloggers Uanime5 and Bazman”

      I miss Bazman, perhaps he rammed it once too often.

  51. Neil Craig
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 5:31 pm | Permalink

    Venice votes to become independent state.

    NATO complains there are Russian troops in Crimea

    Indian probe to Mars

    PM hopes Britain will match Bhutan in a generation in happiness index

    Bureaucratic socialist regulation by mandarin class ensure new nuclear plants built will be 4 times more expensive in Britain than China

    Marriage redefined to include gay relationships. Polygamists denounce discrimination.

  52. margaret brandreth-j
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 7:23 pm | Permalink

    Someone has just said that if Scotland becomes independent they will start driving on the right side.

  53. Kenneth R Moore
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

    Excellent post Mr Redwood nail hit on head.

  54. Bryan
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 9:10 pm | Permalink

    We shall sell Royal Mail on the Market and lose the tax payer £1 Bn.

    The P M will say this is a good deal!

  55. uanime5
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    UK to rely for 20% of its electricity on wind power, generated by very expensive wind farms that we have to subsidise.

    All power generation has to be subsidised. For example the new nuclear plant the Conservatives were trying to build required the UK to pay the operators double the current amount this energy can be sold for.

    so we can import products from elsewhere where they have cheaper power and produce more CO2.

    France has cheaper power and produces less CO2.

    The UK will hand over most of the regulation of its financial sector to the EU, in the belief that they will judge it wisely and look after our interests.

    Well the financial sector showed that it wasn’t able to self regulate and the UK’s regulations were lax.

  56. John E
    Posted April 1, 2014 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

    As it’s now past April 1st, perhaps you could ask Mr Davey to share his proof that Mr Laidlaw at Centrica is completely wrong to warn about generating capacity being insufficient by 2015. He said Mr Laidlaw was wrong and that he could prove it.
    Presenting this proof for us all to see would reassure at least one of your concerned constituents who tends at the moment to believe Mr Laidlaw.

    • John E
      Posted April 1, 2014 at 11:54 pm | Permalink

      Your time stamp hasn’t been adjusted for the clock change!

  57. Cliff. Wokingham
    Posted April 2, 2014 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    I must admit, when I saw the Parliamentary calender for today, I thought it was still April Fools day……Pamela Nash is leading a debate on the UK’s policy towards homosexual and transgendered rights in Uganda…..It is good to know that everything else which was crippling our nation has obviously been sorted out and now MPs can turn their attention to things which don’t really have anything to do with us……..Mind you; our dear leader wants to dictate what the price of a football shirt should be; he seems to have too much spare time on his hands…..Can we assume Dave that you have sorted out the mess which the last Labour government had left us in and are now turning to more trivial matters? By the way, as a Conservative, I am in favour of a free market…..I suspect that, when people refuse to pay Ninety Pounds for their England football shirt, the price will come down….Isn’t that what the free market is all about?

  58. bluedog
    Posted April 3, 2014 at 3:34 am | Permalink

    Comments for April 1st were written it would seem with a heavy heart and no joyful expectation.

    But then, Nick Clegg met Nigel Farage for the second time in debate!

    Now all the foreboding can be reassessed, as a seismic event has occurred in British politics. The best that the Lib-Dems could offer was utterly thrashed by a champion of the British people who doesn’t even have a seat in the British parliament. Looking ahead, one can see that Farage should now issue a challenge to Ed Milliband to meet in the same forum. One can confidently predict that Milliband would lose the sympathy of the studio audience in the first ten minutes.

    After that, there would be no need for Nigel Farage to confront David Cameron; he could simply leave Cameron to the tender mercies of the Conservative backbench. In truth, the only Conservative politician who could hold a candle to Farage in debate is another man outside the Parliament. Guess who?

  59. Posted April 13, 2014 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

    John,

    The first point that has to be made is that this fossil fuel plant isn’t closing because ‘the EU does not like them’. They are closing because they are nearing the end of their operational lives, which are typically designed to be 40-50 years for a conventional thermal station. Given we have to renew our generation fleet on these grounds, as well as the equally compelling grounds of reducing fuel import dependency (‘security of supply’) and reducing greenhouse gas emissions, the move to renewable energy is entirely logical.

    Second, the view that specific capacity has to be built in order to ‘back up’ the electricity we’d get from wind is one that has been erroneously stated many times, and fundamentally comes down to a misunderstanding of how the power system operates. The UK has historically kept a 20% capacity margin on it’s generation; this is because thermal plant itself isn’t completely reliable; it is controllable and dispatchable, yes, but a plant can trip and instantaneously lose gigawatts of power from the grid. Similarly there needs to be spare capacity for when these large thermal stations are out for maintenance. The margin required for additional wind is actually very minimal and occurs over more manageable timescales – wind farms cannot all ‘trip’ simultaneously in the way that a nuclear plant can as they are geographically spread about the country and any such change in output occurs over several hours. This makes it very much forecastable a few hours ahead of it occurring, and for the plant mix to be balanced to accommodate it. I would have hoped this was a key message you would take away when we had met last year.

    Finally, on the need for additional plant, you infer this requires new plant to be built. In reality there is additional ‘mothballed’ plant (plant that has been retired and may need some refurbishment work but in terms of site infastructure and grid connection is ready to be used). This is likely to provide much of the new capacity we require under the capacity auction mechanism legislated for in the latest energy act; so don’t worry, the CO2 of refurbishing these will be fairly minimal.

    I hope that the above gives some assurance from the technical side of things. Am happy to arrange to chat with you again if you want to discuss any of these issues in the near future.

    Best wishes,
    Marek

    Reply What a lot of nonsense you write. Wind power needs 100% back up because the wind often does not blow! Our large coal and oil fired plants are closing not because they are worn out but to comply with an EU Directive. Much of the closed capacity is not mothballed but is being broken up. If you wish to offer technical advice kindly study the subject first.

  • About John Redwood

    John Redwood has been the Member of Parliament for Wokingham since 1987. First attending Kent College, Canterbury, he graduated from Magdalen College, and has a DPhil from All Souls, Oxford. A businessman by background, he has been a director of NM Rothschild merchant bank and chairman of a quoted industrial PLC.
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