Little Red white and blue riding hood – a topical Christmas story

One day Little Red, white and blue riding hood decided to visit her grandmother. She was told by her Mum to gather together a fish they had recently caught, some vegetables they had grown and some beef left from their big roast meal and take it with her to her Grandmother’s cottage in the woods.

She told Little Red, white and blue riding hood she needed to be very careful not to encounter the big EU wolf who these days prowled freely in their local area. She was to rush to her Grandmother’s without delay.

Little Red, white and blue riding hood thought this fear of the wolf was all a bit exaggerated. So what if she met the wolf? Other people said he was quite a nice wolf, and was likely to be friendly if you met him. No-one had ever been eaten by him and some said he wanted to help people grow food and look after their neighbours. So she set out with plenty of delay, pausing on her way to pick some wildflowers to add to her basket of goodies for Granny. She was secretly hoping she met the wolf, so she could tell everyone it was fine.

Before long Mr EU wolf appeared. He seemed quite polite, though his accent was a bit gruff. He told her she need not be afraid. He also said he now controlled the local woods, and needed to check her basket before she went on to her Granny’s. Little Red white and blue riding hood thought that sounded possible, and decided anyway as he was a lot bigger than her she had better co-operate.

When the Wolf saw the fish he was very cross. This fish is not the sort we let you fish he said. You must throw it away, as we have to conserve our fish stocks.

“How does throwing away this dead fish help conserve the fish?” , asked Little red white and blue riding hood. “Well if you can’t see that” said Mr Wolf “I can’t help you. It’s obvious. More importantly it’s our policy, so you either throw it or I have to arrest and fine you.”

Little Red white and blue riding hood decided there was no point in arguing, so she threw away the fish. There were plenty of other goodies left in her basked, after all. When the Wolf saw the  wildflowers he wanted to know where they had come from. He thought maybe they came from a special site of scientific interest where the wildflowers needed protecting. .

The Wolf then spied the vegetables. Goodness, he said, you usually  import these vegetables from the continent. I did not know you were still growing them around here. Anyway, in order to trade them you have to pay a large contribution to the EU, so I will need proof of payment before I can let you take these to someone. As he looked round to see how she responded, he realised he was talking to himself and she had run off in the direction of her grandmother’s house.

Not to be outdone Mr EU wolf knew a short cut and bounded to the cottage before Little red white and blue riding hood arrived. He knocked and pretended to be the old lady’s granddaughter, to get access. Once inside he demanded a substantial payment for the EU and proceeded to rifle the money from the old lady’s purse and from the stash under her mattress.

A little laterLittle red white and blue riding hood arrived. She was horrified to see the wolf taking money from  her granny. Before she could escape the wolf told her he was not like the story book wolf. He was a nice EU wolf who did not go round eating people’s grannies. He did however govern the wood and both Little red white and blue riding hood and  her granny had to follow his rules.

He was busily inspecting the vacuum cleaner to see if it complied with EU regulations to limit the power. He also sized up the bananas before joking that it was of course a myth that the EU wanted them to be straight. They were just fine, bent as they were.

Granny took on the wolf. She told him they had recently decided not to be in the EU any more so she had no need to obey its rules. She wanted to know what had happened to all the things  she had been promised.  Surely, she said there could be no rule that applied to her granddaughter just trying to help her out? The wolf told her it was not so easy getting out of the EU, and in the meantime all the rules still applied. Granny told him what she thought of the rules, and told him to mind his own business.

Whilst the argument was going on Little red white and blue riding hood slipped out and rushed to the local woodman to help. He immediately came, slipped an instant sleeping pill into  the wolf, and got the money back the wolf had been seizing. He then took the knocked out wolf far away from the cottage and his own home, into a deep foreign wood where he could no longer demand money with legal menaces of anyone or anything in red white and blue land. They all lived happily ever after, including the wolf who found lots of other woods to wander in, and plenty of new rules to enforce there. They got on better once Red white and blue land was out than they ever had before.

(Some versions of this story have a different  ending. They say the Wolf had some powerful friends in red white and blue land who helped him carrying on taking money from  people for many more years after he had gone. They say he persuaded people to carry on obeying his rules and importing their food. The poor old woodman was prosecuted for assault and Little Red Riding Hood’s granny had to accept his rules after all). I like happy endings so I don’t believe this second version.

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59 Comments

  1. Lifelogic
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 7:10 am | Permalink

    The trouble is that I’m in it for the long term May is just as in to over regualtion of everything as are the EU. PLUS she loves expensive energy lunacy, building on EU workers rights, atacking the gig economy, gender pag gap drivel and taxing till the pips squeek.

    • Lifelogic
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 7:44 am | Permalink

      Nor is she any good at manifestos, vision or remotely popular with voters. This not even against dire opposition like Corbyn and his team of hopeless jokers.

  2. sm
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 7:21 am | Permalink

    Thank you for making me laugh before starting my major Christmas cooking tasks today!

    Very best seasonal greetings to you John, and thank you for all your hard work on this blog and in the media.

  3. Javelin
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 7:24 am | Permalink

    I suggest you start to use the term revolutionaries to describe the Remainers, and brand them “The Ultras”.

    That way they will be forced to justify their anti democratic activity when challenged about being revolutionaries. Giving them an extremist brand name allows the public to see them as an isolated group of hard core diehards .

    • Mark
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 12:18 pm | Permalink

      I’m perfectly fine with being called ‘saboteur’ ‘traitor’ and ‘enemy of the people’ thanks.

    • Jimmy longstocking
      Posted December 24, 2017 at 8:02 am | Permalink

      And we can refer to leavers as Sepratists, Nationalist.

  4. Ian Wragg
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 8:11 am | Permalink

    A very good parody of life in the EU. I notice you didn’t comment on Barniers assertion that after 2019 the EU will allow a UK representative whilst they discuss fishing quotas.
    I thought we were leaving the CAP and CFP immediately as we will lose funding.(recycling taxpayers money via Brussels. )

    • Hope
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 10:10 am | Permalink

      The UKIP woodsman had retired leaving Granny and her wolf loving friends to run amok among the chicken house Westminster.

      Granny an untrustworthy wolf in sheeps clothing had in explocably tried to sell part of the house to the wolf family to bribe them without knowledge of some of her Irish family members. She was caught red handed and with slight of hand offered the whole household under weasel worded agreement that leagally and technically made the house appear secure from the wolf but she had given the wolf the code to the doors to steal from them on the quiet. It was her way. Underhand and slimy.

      She had sold the liberty of her family to the wolves before where they could be whisked away to wolf land without any rights or claims to her family. They could disappear and never be heard of again, only being able to appeal to the wolf family not to be eaten. She thought that was modern and fair. Granny loved these wolves because they could declare to change gender and species each day. They could choose to be wolves, dogs, hyenas or African hunting dogs.

      Granny was not all that she appeared, like her father before she claimed one thing and delivered another, she only said things to win the love and support of her family. Little did they know her treachery and the treachery of her powerful friends who were wedded to the wolf family. Once she had the keys to the doors she would feed them to the wolves and the wolves would look after her, perhaps she could get a job at the wolf council.

      Granny’s family did not realize the deceit of Granny because she was one of them and made firm declarations like enough is enough, we are not paying or feeding the wolves anymore, even though her cleverly worded agreement meant her family would be slaves and food for the wolves forever.

      Granny wanted to snare her granddaughter’s children and her children. They would provide food for the wolves for decades while their cupboards were bare. She would ask her family for money to buy food but give it away to feed the wolf family who were gluttons and would not reduce the amount of food they ate. It did not matter her family suffered as long as she provided for the wolves.

      The UKIP woodsman read the letter of Granny’s friend who had invited millions of wolves to the house, even though Granny claimed this was not going to happen, he came out of retirement relealising slimy underhand Granny and her friends were ready to feed her family to the wolves and keep them in a high standard of living while her family suffered. Thankfully the family rallied behind the woodsman and got shot of the slimy underhand Wolf Granny dressed in sheeps clothing.

    • acorn
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 4:13 pm | Permalink

      BTW. The EU CFP introduced the “Discarding and the Landing Obligation” in 2013, to stop out of specification fish being thrown back dead or alive and dodging the landed quota counts. The whole catch will now be counted against quotas. The Fishing Industry has till 2019 to get its technology sorted and start catching the fish they are supposed to catch, while keeping stocks sustainable.

      Reply How do you stop them catching banned fish when they cannot see what their trawl line is doing

      • ian wragg
        Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:29 pm | Permalink

        After 2019 the EU should have no business on what happens in British waters.

        • Mark B
          Posted December 24, 2017 at 9:05 am | Permalink

          Not according to Chancellor Angela Merkel. She promised the German fishermen that they will still have access to our waters.

          Cat out of the bag !

      • acorn
        Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:42 pm | Permalink

        But, what sort of trawl line are they using; the same one their grandfathers used? That’s the problem.

        • Original Richard
          Posted December 23, 2017 at 9:40 pm | Permalink

          The EU is allowing a hundred or more Dutch trawlers to fish anywhere in EU waters using the highly controversial pulse method of fishing which literally kills everything in its path.

          • Rien Huizer
            Posted December 24, 2017 at 11:37 am | Permalink

            That method is far superior to its predecessor in terms of damage to the seabed and bottom dwellers.

          • APL
            Posted December 24, 2017 at 6:26 pm | Permalink

            Rien Huizer: “damage to the seabed and bottom dwellers.”

            Yea! Seabed is in impeccable condition, just nothing lives there any more.

      • Keith Dixon
        Posted December 25, 2017 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

        You avoid catching the wrong species of fish by harnessing an EU inspector to a seat by the mouth of the trawl net. He will then be in an ideal position to advise the skipper and to operate the gate. Good, innit?

  5. formula57
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    Delightful. 🙂 Thank you.

    If only we had some backwoodsmen who could emerge from the trees with a sharp knife and a clear conscience ready to smite lingering evil wolves.

  6. Bryan Harris
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Very Nice – Ho Ho Ho

  7. Mark B
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 8:47 am | Permalink

    Good morning

     Little Red, white and blue riding hood 

    What about the other colours ? Aren’t you MP’s suppose to be onto your ‘diversity ?

    Otherwise, very good !

    Personally when using a fairly story to describe the EU and our membership I would have used the tale from Hansel and Gretel. A wicked witch that uses a sweet covered cottage to lure unsuspecting member countries to their doom. And the only way they escaped was by pretending that they were not good enough to eat.

    Hint hint 😉

  8. Peter
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 8:48 am | Permalink

    Bizarre. I have the Beano and Dandy annuals 2018 for the kids. We could do with a rest from the EU until after Boxing Day.

  9. Alan
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    This is a fairy tale. As are most of Mr Redwood’s articles about the EU and leaving it, in my opinion.

    Even so, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

    • Edward2
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 6:05 pm | Permalink

      Well write your own articles then Alan
      You live in a democracy.
      You are free to start your own blog using your opinions on all things important.

  10. gregory martin
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 9:56 am | Permalink

    Jolly well done!
    Presuming the BBC have signed for the film rights, may be too late for 2017, but possible for next year ,and then repeated for years and years …?

  11. alan jutson
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 9:57 am | Permalink

    I prefer Union Jack and the Beanstalk, which is another Pantomime.

  12. Epikouros
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 10:03 am | Permalink

    Rarely real life mirrors fairy tales but they do have morals to them that can be applied to real life or tell a stylised story about historical events. A fairy tale of course can be woven about the EU and you have made a fair stab at it but if I could write one, unfortunately I lack the ability, then it would be be far more grisly that would undoubtedly not just cause children nightmares but grown ups to. Of course there is nothing fairy tale like about the EU more of the genres horror and fantasy. Something like Alien comes to mind.

  13. BOF
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Did I hear that Mr EU Wolf did make his way back but Granny put her designer, leopard skin bovver boot down and made him pay for any fish that he took from her wood and also duty for all sorts of things he wanted to sell her because, in fact, he was broke.

  14. jerry
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 10:13 am | Permalink

    “Little Red, white and blue riding hood [encounters a Wolf]”

    But Croatia, Czech Republic, France, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Slovakia nor Slovenia have any serious problems encountering the Wolf…

    • rose
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 12:59 pm | Permalink

      I think the wolf has his eye on the Czech Republic and one or two of her neighbours.

  15. BOF
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 10:13 am | Permalink

    And I wish you and your family a very happy Christmas Dr Redwood. Thanks for putting balance and sanity back into our lives, for being one of the people who stand up for Britain.

  16. Duncan
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 10:35 am | Permalink

    This fairytale take doesn’t even begin to describe the malicious, poisonous nature of the EU and its acolytes. Their aim is nothing less than the subjugation and subservience of the United Kingdom. If the EU could achieve this militarily they probably would

    If only traditional Labour voters had stuck with UKIP at the last GE, we would now be out of the EU or certainly not facing this transitional farce being imposed upon us by Barnier, May and Hammond

    • Hope
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

      No transition or implementation. It is an extension which is written to last forever. May has sold our her country, electoral democracy and the people in it. She must be ousted at all costs if the U.K. Is to be free from theEU.

  17. Bert Young
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    I never knew that Jacob Rees Mogg and John were friends with the woodcutter ; quelle surprise !. Little Miss Rule Britannia would never have followed the Wolfs’ threats anyway ; she would have demanded a huge rebate and blown the Wolfs head off .

    • Chris
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 2:47 pm | Permalink

      I hopes/trust that Mr Redwood’s friendship with Mr R-M extends in this direction also: I see that the wonderful Rees-Mogg has condemned outright the appalling behaviour of HMRC in which they have levied, through some little known avenue, a very large tax indeed on Brexit donors but corporate Remainers were allowed to have their donations regarded as tax free, apparently.

      HM Revenue and Customs has been accused of being “hostile to democracy” after hitting Leave campaign donors with huge tax bills, while the giant banking corporations which backed the Remain campaign are left unscathed.
      The taxman has decided to levy inheritance tax bills ranging into six and seven figures on donors who gave money during the EU referendum, despite political contributions normally being exempt from such charges, the Telegraph reports.

      • Chris
        Posted December 23, 2017 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

        To develop my comment above further:
        http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/12/22/exclusive-hmrc-accused-revenge-establishment-slaps-huge-tax/
        Exclusive: Taxman accused of ‘revenge of the Establishment’ as it slaps huge tax demands on Brexit-backing entrepreneurs, By Christopher Hope

        Donors who bankrolled the successful Brexit campaign have accused HM Revenue and Customs of a “political attack” after they were hit with six or seven-figure tax demands on their contributions, The Telegraph can disclose. Among those targeted are (named individuals ed) Letters which could lead to them paying out up to £2m have been issued to them by HMRC in the past fortnight.

        In what has been dubbed the “revenge of the Establishment”, the tax authorities have seized upon a relatively obscure area of inheritance tax laws which forces people to pay the tax upfront on large “gifts”. Donations made to political parties, charities and other bodies are usually deemed exempt from the rules, but HMRC has ruled that payments from individuals…

        • sm
          Posted December 23, 2017 at 4:48 pm | Permalink

          If you read the comments on the DT article, you will see that a major Remain donor has also received the same kind of tax demand.

        • acorn
          Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:27 pm | Permalink

          Chris, it appears you are not familiar with Capital Gains Tax and Inheritance Tax planning; and, the HMRC crystal ball that decides that an individual will do in the next tax year, what it did in the last tax year. Even, if said individual has no intention of doing so. Welcome to HMRC style “Payments on Account”.

          Past and present comments on this site about IHT and CGT, would lead you to believe that we are among Conservative voting, “high net worth” (HNW) individuals, with good reason to complain about such taxes. If they are not a HNW individuals, why the f*** would they ever contemplate voting Conservative!

  18. Newmania
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 11:55 am | Permalink

    “Little Red Riding Hood”, can be traced back to the 10th century from various sources he False Grandmother (Italian: La finta nonna), later written among others by Italo Calvino in the Italian Folktales collection.
    The best known versions were written by the French author who laid the foundations of the fairy tale genre, Charles Perrault, and the Brothers Grimm.
    The brothers Grimm, in addition to collecting Germanic tales and folklore were originators of the systematic study of Language and our modern understanding of the Indo European family of languages of which English is a part , of course .

    If John Redwood wanted to demonstrate the impossibility of the UK cutting itself off from its past and its neighbours he could not have done a better job.

    Reply Do relax. I have no wish to cut us off from our worthwhile cultural and other links to the continent!

    • DaveM
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:45 pm | Permalink

      Merry Christmas Newmaniac. You’ve hit the nail on the head – European cultures and languages are delightfully individual and intertwined. That’s how we like it; the EU doesn’t. The EU wants to erode the ancient and impose the modern by diluting cultures, destroying nation states, and teaching our children stories like “The Adventures of the Golden Stars”. Only by maintaining Europe’s national, regional and local identities can we ensure the traditions we love are continued and passed down to future generations for them to enjoy as we have. All over the continent of Europe.

  19. Norman
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

    I enjoyed that bit of humour, John. Thank you for all your hard work in ‘Speaking for England’, and in a wider sense, the UK. May the glories of the True Light enlighten our path, in this dark sylvan vale. Hope you have a restful Christmas.

  20. Susan
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 12:38 pm | Permalink

    Thank you, Mr Redwood, and a Very Merry Christmas to you too.

  21. Andy
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 12:51 pm | Permalink

    The irony of a Brexit fairytale. And the irony of it being a pensioner (granny) imposing a future on the unwilling Little Red, White and Blue….

    A more appropriate ending would see granny die off, without experiencing the consequences of her hatred of the wolf.

    In this more realistic ending the wolf would grow all powerful – and Little Red, White and Blue would become a poor, weird little hermit who nobody likes very much.

    • DaveM
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:49 pm | Permalink

      Dear God. Do you never stop screeching your hatred and bitterness? Get over it Andy, you lost.

      Oh and I won’t be drawing a pension for at least 25 years. My kids won’t be drawing theirs for over 45. And they both supported Leave.

      You actually do live in a land of make-believe I think.

      • Mark B
        Posted December 24, 2017 at 9:41 am | Permalink

        Ever heard of the Fairy Story of the TROLL that lived under the bridge ?

  22. lojolondon
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 12:59 pm | Permalink

    Nice one, John. Thanks for fighting the good fight for us. Merry Christmas.

  23. rose
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 1:02 pm | Permalink

    At the summit before last Mrs May looked just like a bewildered Red Riding Hood being escorted by the two chief wolves talking behind their paws.

  24. Ian Gillies
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 1:36 pm | Permalink

    I wonder if, unlike silly billy Redwood, the gruff EU wolf can spell Basket? Lucky little red riding hood did not meet you, or you would have advised her to divest herself of those local products and invest instead in foreign products which would have been more profitable.

  25. MKB
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 2:35 pm | Permalink

    Most of the comments here are nationalist garbage. No wonder the UK is now the laughing stock of the world.
    Times have moved on, we need to be part of the EU not going back to the British Empire.
    Luckily I shall have the burgundy passport for nearly another decade, IF Brexit ever goes ahead.
    All the very wealthy Brextremists will have no financial loss out of the EU, as usual it will the ordinary middle class citizens who will be hit the hardest.

    • Hope
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

      You confuse nationalism with patriotism. A force for good uniting the U.K. with courage to help EU countries fend off a nationalist Germany.

    • ian wragg
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:33 pm | Permalink

      The answer is of course for you to sling your hook.
      It is people like you who are little Englanders, afraid of your own shadow and unable to think for yourself.
      You could always pick up you knapsack and beetle off to Brussels or wherever you think is best.

    • DaveM
      Posted December 23, 2017 at 6:40 pm | Permalink

      It’s actually not nationalist garbage if you read it properly. And anyway, is there anything wrong with looking after yours first? I don’t see anyone else doing anything for the UK – all parts of the EU seem only interested in what they can take from the UK.

      Our interests have never been part of a European inward-looking land mass and they never will be. The UK is an outward-looking maritime state. No one is suggesting we return to days of empire, but we’re better off doing what we understand, which is being a global nation, not trying to be part of a continental land mass whose politics and attitude we don’t truly comprehend.

  26. Chris
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:08 pm | Permalink

    Very best wishes for Christmas, Mr Redwood.

  27. alan jutson
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 5:11 pm | Permalink

    MKB

    An interesting view which unfortunately contains no actual facts.

  28. Helen Smith
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 6:49 pm | Permalink

    Thank you Mr. Redwood for everything you do for this country.

    Have a very Merry Christmas.

  29. mike fowle
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 7:07 pm | Permalink

    As this is a fairy tale it seems appropriate that several trolls have appeared. Just ignore them. Thanks to the woodsman, (whose name was Nigel). Happy Christmas.

  30. Miss Brandreth-Jones
    Posted December 23, 2017 at 7:56 pm | Permalink

    Little did Little Red blue and white riding hood know that Snow White had rounded up 7 dwarfs. They were too small to have any impact upon the EU wolf , but surrounded the Wolverine, otherwise known as Lupus and began to insidiously make his own react against him. Inflammatory lesions spread to Spain , Greece and even Germany until the magic silver balls started to sprout fear and lost their significance. All was not well at headquarters and all began to turn.

  31. Posted December 24, 2017 at 12:14 am | Permalink

    Psychiatric services ARE available on the NHS
    A cinderala service but given time they can help you with your problems

  32. Tabulazero
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 9:09 am | Permalink

    Congratulation for getting the blue passports back, Mr Redwood.

    However, have you bothered to tell your readers that they will be 20% smaller than the original to better reflect the devaluation of the Pound and the loss of standing of the UK in Europe ?

    Merry Christmas and looking forward to crushing you in 2018 as much as the EU did in 2017 (« The row of the summer », « parallel talks », « EU can go whistle », « Regulatory alignment »… just in case you had forgotten them)

  33. Melvin Cornwell
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    Tabulazero

    Oh dear – it would have been wiser to pick yourself some New Years Resolutions that at least stood a chance of getting out of the starting blocks before dying a horrible death, surely..?

    We are LEAVING the EU, Tab. You few remaining remainers are stuck in the past. Let’s hope you have a decent festive break, as you clearly have bugger all to look forward to in 2018…

  34. nigel seymour
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 1:36 pm | Permalink

    Best xmas news I’ve heard is that the blue passport will be back for Brits!!!!, So erasing the EU filth printed on it currently. I still have my blue one from 1989 and I still look at it now and then…sad I know!

    God save the Queen.

  • About John Redwood


    John Redwood won a free place at Kent College, Canterbury, He graduated from Magdalen College Oxford, has a DPhil and is a fellow of All Souls College. A businessman by background, he has been a director of NM Rothschild merchant bank and chairman of a quoted industrial PLC.

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