Ed arrived just as Nick was being shown the door by Santa’s helpers. They exchanged a nervous hello as Ed checked to make sure he was next.
In the grotto Ed said:
“Thanks for seeing me today Santa. I have had a rough few weeks, what with a difficult visit to Scotland and then that photo of all those English flags. I just want you to know we are a good lot really, and just want to get back into power so we can make everything just right again with some proper public spending. So my present is not really for me, it’s for the public. You see I would like my Christmas present this year to be having a go as Prime Minister. Can you fix it for me?”
Santa looked grave. He replied:
“I do not fix things for people. That idea came to a sticky end. I have to decide what presents to bring people. They can ask me for their favourites, but it is not always right or possible to give them what they want. I don’t suppose you will be the only one this Christmas who wants to be Prime Minister. I’m not saying it is impossible, but it’s not going to be easy. It would help me if you would ask for a more realistic present which I could give.”
Ed stumbled: “Well let’s say Dave wants to be it again, is it fair that he should have two goes when I don’t get one? You see they will get rid of me if I don’t get the PM job”
“Well” said Santa ” you have been lucky so far. Not so long ago you asked for the same Christmas present as your brother, to be Leader of the Labour party, and I gave it to you. Just last year you privately told me the absolute must for your Christmas was to have a No vote in Scotland, which you got. I can tell you I upset some others who wanted the opposite in their stockings. You can’t expect to win the best present every year. Now you tell me you are ready to be Prime Minister and want to spend some more money, yet you are also telling everyone you will get the deficit down. I don’t see how that works. Your tax rises will bring in peanuts at best and may even lose you revenue. So I say, go home and think again. If there is something else less contentious you want then drop me a line.”
A little while after Ed had left the Prime Minister turned up. “I’m not late, Santa, am I” asked Dave. Before he got an answer he went on “You see there was another of these dreadful meetings about Europe which just went on and on and I wasn’t allowed to leave. I did tell Mrs Merkel it was important to be here with you, but she seemed to think EU regulations on derivatives were more important. I did tell her that all this banging on about Europe is not a good idea, but she keeps doing it and sending me the bills.”
He flowed on perfectly with Santa speechless. “What I want for Christmas Santa is the continued delivery of my long term economic plan. More jobs, more growth, you know what George is up to. It’s all clever stuff. . That means I just have to be PM for a bit longer – nothing personal, difficult job, gets in the way of the family a bit. I’m sure you will see it’s a simple choice, and I am afraid it just has to be me again just to get us to the sunlit uplands”
Santa decided he did not need more explanation of the long term economic plan. He interrupted and said:
“I have given you your preferred present every year for the last five years. You have been Prime Minister. You have kept a coalition going. You got your econo0mic recovery and all those jobs you insisted on. Your critics did not want those you know. You have seen off challengers for your job. Last year you asked to win the referendum on Scotland which I gave you. Fortunately more than one of you wanted that, so it was a present which helped several. This year you are asking for something others also want but only one can have. That’s not easy for me. Isn’t there something else you would rather be sure of having? How about a really good international job on a much bigger salary?”
“No” said Dave, “that won’t do I’m afraid. I’ve made them all a promise. I don’t think they could manage without me yet. I never like to let people down”
“Well I am pleased to hear that” said Santa. “When are you planning to get immigration down to tens of thousands? How’s the deficit coming along? I’ve had a very difficult day. I will let you know later what I propose to do”